My brother treats me like shit.

No, it's not the youngest. At least even if this kid is naughty at times, he can be extremely nice too. Plus I believe he listens to me. Mark is like a thirteen-year-old who thinks like a seventeen-year-old. We have this love-hate relationship, but I like to think that he likes me as much as I like him.

My other brother pushes me farther and farther away from his life. I hate him the way he does it to me. Each time he does this it makes me wonder how I would ever be the big sister that everyone looks up to, or at least a person that's nice enough to be lovable.

Everyday he makes me feel as if he's constantly saying, "get out of my face" without even uttering a word. I ask him for something and it'd be him almost saying fuck off.

Everyday makes it harder for me to show affection as a sister. It hurts, not just because I'm the eldest, but also because I don't know how to ever make this right. We used to be okay, but eventually I could feel the strains. I think it's too late to ever mend it, because if it wasn't this wouldn't hurt so bad.

For whatever things I've done in the past, will it be hard to get over them and start over? Is it really that difficult to get along with me? How hard is it to forgive me for each hurt I caused? Moreover, have each of those faults created so much of a rift that makes it impossible to bridge the divide?

Each day is a new day, I believe, a new beginning with every person in my life. I've been trying to get out of his way as much as I can, but also trying so hard to show affection for him without pushing myself too hard in his life. For everything he's done to me, I really could not do anything about them, but I try to work around them and think that he's really great deep inside.

But every time he does this, I get the feeling that he won't ever want anything to do with me anymore. He's just putting up with me because I'm his sister, because we live under the same roof. Otherwise he won't.

Maybe I'm just not that person one would like to be close to, to be intimate with. Maybe I'm just that, difficult to be with. Maybe if I were someone else I would push myself away too.

This makes me feel that it's difficult to love me. If my brother can't even love me, who else would?