I support Barack Obama. Hell with Americans who don't see that he's the smarter one over McCain.

I've been following the US elections since late last year, and I can't contain the excitement (and frustration) it has brought since I've been going over it. The political arena is still as it is; I could only drool at how people talk about issues and stuff. Here it's a popularity contest. The best way for us to select a president in 2010? Put them all in Big Brother's house and the Big Winner gets to be Prez. At least we can watch them when we know our trapos to be sneaky.

I can't understand the racial discrimination that Obama has been getting. It's just too unreal that people are blinded by race when clearly he is the more eloquent, more charismatic, and has the better policies on economics, education, and health. Plus foreign policies where McCain is no doubt well-versed in.

Obama has clear-cut policies on education, even starting from early childhood. His health coverage is much better than McCain. You can't go forever on into the Reaganist doctrine of deregulate, deregulate, deregulate; look at the Philippine example, for one thing. Large corporations will eventually eat up the small ones in this kind of example.

I agree that McCain is out of touch. The Palin pick is one such example. I can't even start to identify each and every point of argument. One thing, he doesn't understand the middle and working class. Two, he just only realized (just the past week, goddamn) that the US economy isn't going well. Plus why'd you want a president who's a liar? We've had enough of that here, look at us at least, and see for yourself.

I'd like to pound in more keys to tell why I love Obama, but that would be for another time. Consider this my introductory write-up. Haha.

It's easy to get hurt once you've given yourself to being vulnerable to someone. Especially if that someone is 7000 miles away, and you don't know where you stand, or even how you know the person, if you know him well enough. Just that you've fallen for him and know you want him awfully is enough to be vulnerable.

I'm again hoping this will not turn out the way others did, or as badly as the other one did. I hate getting into something serious, me feeling really happy and giddy but then not getting that back from my significant other. I'm not looking to play around; I don't have time for games.

No, I take it back. I go always for something serious, but going for it means also expecting it back, which usually turns out not in the way I want it to.

I am deeply afraid of getting hurt again. I am scared that I will not be able to withstand another storm if another storm comes. I am open to being vulnerable, but hopefully only to the right person. But how will I know?

As my mother tells me, I think too much. I go too much into rationalizing every aspect of it until it crumbles down to simply not measuring up. Can you blame me? I'm not one to go for my feelings if I know they aren't true anyway. So when I want to be calculated, so be it; it may just lessen the hurt I get most of the time.

On the other side of the fence, though, my friends keep telling me I'm smiling too much lately (too much means more than all the time, as I'm known to always be sunny). I hope this means something good.

Lately I've been getting a feeling of dread hovering above me, which is unusual since I'm known to be overly optimistic.

I can't comprehend the feeling, though I can relate to it, as I've been getting swingy--from extremely elated to mildy depressed in just about as quick as a snap of a finger.

I'm afraid, as the semester is nearing its end, and I still have lots to accomplish. I'm dreadful of the notion of not being able to do anything. Not just doing badly, but not doing anything at all. Do you get it? I don't. It's confusing.

I'm getting jetlagged but mostly it's because of my own choice. I sleep through the morning and get pepped up in the evenings, and I can't get over it.

It doesn't sound anything that I would do, but it also sounds like me getting ass-burned-out. I've been eating more than the usual too, and I'm gaining weight. I should watch what I eat lest I become a cow. This means something. But I don't know what.

When my head does get cleared enough for me to write what I've been feeling, I will. Or won't, as by that time I'll be the usual self that goes through the pains of everyday cheerfully smiling and not thinking of anything else but getting it done but still not writing about it. When I don't write it means I'm okay, I'm fine, I'm happy.

What's iffy in this is that the need to write only comes over me when I'm a bit bothered by something, when I'm terribly unsound, when I feel swingy or confused, or when I'm burned out. It's creepy to think I can't come up with anything good or worthwhile when I'm happy, because my head gets into silver-lined clouds and it fogs my own vision and makes me less creative than I really am.

When I do get something done, it's something I've labored over and over in my head before even starting it. It's neurotic. I have to argue with myself in my head before even standing up to do it.

I'm thinking if I should go to bed and get some rest or sit down at my desk and study. The first one is very appealing and completely easier to do. The latter is the responsibility and the one I should do since I know it's also easy but just need to get it done to do well in school.

I'm sure that if I just read a couple of chapters and take down a few notes I'd be able to pass--no, ace--this exam. But I lack the motivation.

I'm going back to bed and dream of sheep.

My friends have been prodding me before to go online in Skype, and with limitations of YM on a Fedora-based OS (I couldn't use VoIP with other Yahoo users through Pidgin), I had no other option but to download Skype and I am currently trying it out. So for all my friends who are using VoIP, please download Skype so I can talk to you! (Plus I currently am baffled that my i-mic on my Acer Aspire One doesn't work with any other program but Skype. Weird.)

Yani welcomed me to Skype with the message, welcome to the world of mics, cams, and penises.

Hahahahaha. LOL.

I called her so I can try out Skype for a bit, and right after hanging up I've received four calls (left none of them answered) from guys. Talk about connecting quick. Haven't been on Skype for quite a while (less than 15 minutes) and so many are already showing up on my list and calling me or chatting with me.

Anyway, I'm using Skype only for the purpose of VoIP, so it might go permanently invisible. Haha. But for my friends, please add me.

I'm falling for him, and I don't know what to do about it.

It would help if I can try to close the distance between us, but it's nearly impossible.

Actually, I'm merely content on just talking to him, knowing how he is, and learning more about him, because it's only what I can do for now.

I'm falling for him, and I'm content with the way things are going. I'm okay with the distance, so long as it's only temporary.

[Monik, Yani, Jurise, Angel... I borrowed your title.]

I'm currently being bothered by the idea of actually falling for someone more than 5000 miles away from me. It's never really happened to me before, so it's not as if I know what it is and how it feels like.

I feel like the subject of my own research. I asked my friend if this is what they call in computer-mediated communication as hyperpersonal disclosure. Haha. Nosebleed.

No, really. I've been thinking if I actually feel close to this person simply because I disclose so many things about myself that I shouldn't, or wouldn't in an actual person-to-person setting. But I tend to overshare myself anyway, so that's a factor too.

But I feel attracted to this guy. Should I say who he is?

I feel inspired. It's like I've found a kindred spirit, but better, because I find him attractive.

I have to admit, a lot about his looks and personality would have turned me away at first glance. I'm glad I opened to the idea of talking to him and getting to know him better, and letting him get to know me.

I'm currently tired, as the time zone difference creates a problem of us communicating, and I get too caught up in talking I forget the time. I'm getting jetlagged without leaving my own country.

I like talking to him. I love teasing him. This may be the start of something new.

I remember overhearing one afternoon a friend who asked if they would be willing to donate to UP after graduation. "Aminin nyo, hindi naman talaga kayo magbibigay di ba?" And proceeded to say that after he graduates he won't be giving donations to CMC or UP.

What I find interesting in this statement is that, while many will probably deny it, many also have the same mindset. Not too many, though, as so many alumni have donated to UP long after they have graduated.

It is quite saddening that here in UP we breed future leaders but so many of us fail to give back. Not simply to the university per se, but simply the nation who bore the burden of sending each one of us to school, so that we will be able to be the graduates that this nation needs.

It is my hope that one day I will be able to give back to the people the education that this premier institution gave me. Not in monetary terms, but more so in service, in integrity, in the pride of this country.

By the way, I am welcoming myself to my 5th year of blogging.

Past years haven't been as prolific as was the others, but 5th year is still 5th.

Congratulations on mediocrity. Being a blogger for 5 years and still not accomplishing anything different.

I confess i haven't been around for so much of the time I wanted to. I wanted to write about so many things, and many of them politics, many of them about the social ills that hopefully I wish to shed light on. But most of the time light has already been shed for them; what bugs is that people don't actually look at that light, or most of the time something else has shone brighter.

This is Mariel Chapter 4. Fourth blog (or fourth that is legitimate; I've erased others).

I can't say that my change will bring about something different to my writing. I'm still the same person, after all. But looking back, I guess I may have matured a bit with my writings. I've been needing an outlet to put in every damn inspiration (and perspiration) that comes over me, and this is still the best place to be.

Blogspot, still. I've been known to stick to what I already know, and since I don't have time to get to know the interface of other journals, I'm putting myself here. Again.

Now that I'm here, what's new?

I've been complaining on and on in previous blogs that I have still so many semesters to accomplish, so many papers more to write. It's nearing the time to graduate. My thesis is still in the works (still in the conceptualization phase, mostly), and I'd rather not divulge details about why I'm separating myself from my current research.

I can't believe I'm already here. I'm nearing IT. I've wanted it for so long that finally, just one more semester to go (which would have not been part of my year if I had not run and became president of CommResSoc), I'd be getting it. I'm nearing graduation, and I fear to fail it.

Not that I fear that I won't graduate. I fear failing myself when I do get to that crossroad. I fear not accomplishing my goals when I finally leave the student life. I fear not getting the most out of what UP has to offer me.

I've been getting job offers as early as now. I can't think yet where I want to go. My dad asked me just this morning, "Are you happy with your life and with what you're doing?" I told him, of course I'm happy. He asked why.

Because now I feel like I'm doing what I should. I enjoy what I do. I enjoy research even if it kills me and will probably kill me more in the future. Because I know that what I do contributes to that body of knowledge where one day I can be proud of myself and say that I've done quite a bit for humanity, even if I was just in college at that time.

I wish to go on, but I can't. I have other things on my mind, other things that I must accomplish. I am, after all, still a student and a slave to academia. I long for the freedom, but after that toga ceremony I will not be breathing liberty--instead I will be breathing more responsibilities, more accountabilities, more expectations.

I am opening chapter four in my cyberlife, chapter 16 in my journal-life. I told my friend Monik that I left blogging because I hate writing about myself. But it's the only subject of which I can be sure of. And now it doesn't have to be just me anymore. I am chapter four, plus other aspects of life that needs to be shed light upon.

Kill me sweetheart while I write the first draft.