Everyday that I don't get to talk to him, even for just a little while, is painful.

This is the only thing I have, the only thing I hold on to, those moments when we talk.

Each day it makes me wonder if I really can go through waiting, through testing patience, and still have enough of the feeling to make it last.

Every moment I try to hold on to the connection, but every moment we aren't together is painful.

I'm afraid to lose our connection with time. I'm holding on as long as he wants me to.

I need a two-week break. No cable TV or internet. Or siblings.

I seem to forget the urge to get down to business and work whenever I stay in this house. I'm too pampered in this place; I don't even need to do chores.

I'm going to a place where I can work quietly and peacefully--even if that takes an indefinite period of time. I have just finished packing my books, notes, and a few other work things.

I need deadlines. I need the pressure. I work better under pressure.

Hopefully when I get back I'm at least 80% finished with all I have to accomplish.

This means, no more movie marathons.

Paalam, but I wish to be back for that Halloween party.

Something is fishy with how PNP Director General Jesus Versoza explained the 105,000 euros (6.9 million in pesos) "cash advance" held by Retired Comptroller Eliseo de la Paz.

He said, "The funds are intended for possible purchase of intelligence equipment and similar products."

Oh, now, isn't this an illegal way of procuring government intelligence equipment?

What is fishy with this set up is that the money is in liquidated cash. Not simply in pesos, but in Euros. Why bring money in large amounts of cash, if it is to be used for the procurement of intelligence equipment? Procurement of such equipment isn't like shopping in a mall where you bring cash and look around stores. Spy gear boutiques? I think not, especially for the national fucking police.

Cash is virtually untraceable when brought out into the market, when it exchanges hands it cannot be found that easily. So it brings us to question why the PNP has to liquidate such amount. What is the purpose of cashing 105,000 euros?

What I think is supposed to be the plan here is to liquidate the money, also from a fishy source, and use or distribute such amount in cash as it will be rendered untraceable. To deposit that amount, the money will leave a paper trail, and the PNP or the sources of the funds don't want that.

I'd like to know where this money came from, and why that money is in Moscow and St. Petersburg, of all places. The PNP is doing business abroad, and with whom?

Earlier it was reported by Interior Secretary Ronaldo Puno that it was to be used as a "contingency fund," but why a contingency fund thrice larger than the budget itself? In my own experience, contingency funds are usually simply half the budget. If this is the case anyway, I thought our government is trying to be frugal and penny-pinching funds?

It's even fishier that de la Paz skipped the Senate hearings into the case even with the subpoena. People who don't have anything to hide don't have to hide.

With the current Senate hearings, I'd like to know: why is de la Paz holding such an amount, why is that amount in cash, what intelligence equipment and where are they planning to buy such, why the money is in the hands of a retired police comptroller, why a contingency fund larger than the budget itself, among others. Each day that this issue is unraveling tells us how dirty this administration is.

"Remember Red, hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies."
- Andy Dufresne, The Shawshank Redemption

It is one of the best things to live for, hope. It carries you through each day, even when all else seems lost.

Nothing is lost, not one bit now. Each day it does seem impossible, but not entirely so.

Everyday I carry with me the love I have for someone whose distance I cannot imagine, whose suns rise while my moons shine. And everyday I carry with it hope, that we will be with each other, no matter how impossible it is now.

I still cannot believe I am in love with a man, connected to him somehow, and he is as far from me as he could be. Sometimes I want to believe this is real, that there really is someone who loves me as much as I love him, who wishes for a future with me. I think he may be a fairy tale; I have never touched his face, only his image. But I have faith in the good things, and love is one of them.

Distance and time is nothing now to me. Dum spiro spero.

I have faith that the right time will come for the both of us. I have hope, each moment, when my heart will finally be free because you have me.

Hope carries my heart over to you, that you may find me one day. And when you do, I will be there to welcome you with open arms, and a heart that is yours to keep.

It's beginning to be a bit more routine now, me and him. It's been how long? I've met him in the first few days of September. In a little more than a week it will be November. Time flies quickly when you're having fun.

I can't help but think that had this been a real-time relationship we would not have been moving as fast as we are now. Usually the first couple of months is meant for the getting-to-know-each-other, and things get pretty serious in the third or fourth month. But it feels like we've crammed too much into a small space of time that now we're in the cruising phase, it's just chill because we know how we stand in each other's lives.

Honestly, I'm scared of what this might become, because we might not be able to meet each others' expectations. It is inevitable that each day there will be more and more expectations, and it will be a high road for each of us individually.

I'm afraid of moving. My roots are planted quite firmly on this ground, and I'm afraid to be out on my own again. I've been independent before in Los Banos, but that was different. It was still essentially the same culture I've known, however underground so many things are. I am a strong woman and I can be out on my own, but that doesn't mean I will not have my fears.

It's difficult; this is the first time I've been in this kind of relationship. I treasure him, I want to be with him, but it scares me. What if my parents would not want me to go? What if I invest so much of my emotions into this and into him and it does not turn out the way I had wanted and planned it?

I had freaked out at the circumstances he has found himself in, because I realized that while I know him so much, I don't know how he is with the people in his life. Shouldn't he be scared too, of who I am with the people in my life? This is like we have our own secured box where we jump into whenever we talk, and we know each other only within that box. Outside, we are still different individuals who have relationships with others and have different situations that we can't fully understand unless we be there to witness it.

I want this to happen. I am happy now, but will that change when I get to where I want to be?

Anxiety is always healthy before jumping into things, right?

When has it ever been that a different religious affiliation be a reason for hate?

I cannot believe how much hate people have for Muslims. I've met people who are Muslims, and while I cannot generalize all, they are not as bad as people would think they are. They live lives just like I do. They have families and businesses, and they have as much right to live in this world like we all do.

I couldn't believe the hate that comes from people I know, Christians even, when the word of God has been a message of hope. When has Jesus Christ turned down a Gentile from wanting to see him? We are not Christ to keep away from people who are different from us; he has shown us that we must always "love thy neighbor", even if this means embracing all differences of all races and religions. He has crossed the bounds when he dined with sinners, Gentiles, and tax collectors. Who are we when we are Christians but do not follow Christ's example?

Which is why I couldn't believe an email I received condemning Barack Obama for having Muslim roots. He was raised a Christian, but even then, even if he did have a Muslim for a father, does it lessen his worth as a person and as a leader?

We measure a man by his ideals and his hope of wanting to give a better life to all. Yardsticks are supposed to be yardsticks, and a yard is never shorter than another if it is of a different color or of a different texture.

I stand by the belief that some Christians are just as evil as some Muslims. It is not our job to color crimes through religion, but crimes ought to be persecuted for what these crimes are. Murder is murder, terror is terror, no matter what religion one comes from.

We sow messages of hate when we differentiate a man for his religious belief. We should educate the people from both sides of the fence to embrace diversity and to respect one another.

It is said that one man's terrorist is another's freedom fighter. We should always realize that when we look from the other side of the fence, the world seems to be completely different but still the same.

Overheard:

Accusing a Democrat of wanting to practice "socialism" is a bit strong for a Republican presidential or vice presidential candidate. The base would love to hear it -- it's one of their favorite words to describe Obama -- but no Republican campaign operative would want their candidate to go there.

But McCain operatives may have found a way to get that loaded phrase out there without actually having either McCain and Palin be responsible for making the accusation.

Naturally, Joe the Plumber has come to the rescue again.

Said Palin today at a rally in Ohio: "Joe suggested that sounded a little bit like socialism. Whatever you call it, I call it bad medicine for an ailing economy."

-Jonathan Martin @ Politico.com

When Obama, during the last presidential debate, was talking about "spread the wealth," he wasn't talking about talking away money from the middle class and giving it to the poor. He was talking about raising taxes of the largest businesses and corporations and the richest Americans, but all the while keeping 95 percent of Americans' taxes the same. When he said to "spread the wealth," he would do it by taking money from those who have accumulated it most during the eight years of Bush administration and decades of deregulation and redistributing that wealth around to the middle class.

That also means redefining other programs, not just economic, but also health and education as well. Because in this kind of system, whatever taxes taken from the large businesses and corporations will be spread around through better education and health coverage, which also means for the middle class less money to pay for them.

With a health coverage that will be shouldered mostly by the government, the middle class would be able to use their income on other things besides health insurance (and with an economy that is based on middle class spending, isn't this a good thing?)

This also goes for energy, where Obama is pushing for research and development of alternative energy that will lessen America's need for foreign oil, and which means for the middle class less to pay for energy consumption. Since a large part of oil is being imported, it would be better for the economy to have alternative energy that is inhoused in America (and better for the environment too). It's a basic tenet that instead of making other countries richer by importing their resources, it would be best to make your own (Wasn't it Marx who said that, give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you miss a good business opportunity. America, other countries will miss a good business opportunity with you.)

On a sidetrack, with the policies Obama has on education, more Americans will be able to finish college (his policy is more like a study-now-pay-later basis, and community work is also a form of payment of college education). Instead of paying for college in the amount it is now, he provides for spending for education (also from the taxes collected from large businesses) and people can work for it through military service, peace corps, or community service. I haven't heard McCain's policies (if there are) on early childhood education, where the basics are formed and is crucial in building a good education in the future. Obama provides for that, plus teacher incentives too. (A candidate with a reform of the educational system is always a winner to me.)

To "spread the wealth" is just a matter of moving around the government's priorities of spending and budgeting, because if you spend on the middle class, they will be more able to purchase and consume other things, which is essentially the base of a capitalist society.

I've been watching the US elections and it's stupid that Palin doesn't understand this kind of "socialist" thinking. She's a nutcase. How is it ever bad for an ailing economy to spread the wealth from those who have accumulated it unfairly to the middle class who have worked for it so much?

Wake up America. A true leader is in your midst.

Ilang ulit na nating narinig ang kataga ni Gat Jose Rizal na ang kabataan ang pag-asa ng bayan. Matapos ang mahigit isang-daang taon ay lugmok pa rin ang bayan at ang pag-asa nito.

Malayo ang mararating ng ating bayan kung ang ating kabataan lamang ay mamumulat sa katotohanan ng ating lipunan, at matutunan sa murang kaisipan ang kahalagahan ng kanilang pagiging mamamayan at ang kahulugan ng pagsisilbi sa bayan. Kung naisasapuso lamang nila ang ito, malayo ang mararating ng ating lahi at lipunan.

Ngunit hindi ito ang kasalukuyang pangyayari sa ating bayan. Nag-aaral ang mga kabataan hindi para mamulat, kundi para ipalago pang muli ang dati nang kaalaman at kaisipan. Ang mga kurikulum sa paaralan, pati na rin ang ideolohiyang pinapalaganap sa mga institusyong tulad ng pamilya, simbahan, at midya, ay hindi nababago at nasasara lamang sa lumang mapagpaniil na kaisipang kolonyal. Iikot lamang ang mga henerasyon at hindi ito magbabago hangga’t tayo’y hindi gumagawa ng paraan. At nangangailangan magsimula tayo ng bagong pananaw at paraan ngayon pa lamang.

Pagbabasa, pagsusulat, at pagbibilang. Mga layunin ng ating edukasyon ngayon. Mula sa mababa hanggang sa mataas na paaralan, iniukit sa ating isip na ang ating pag-aaral ay para matutunan ang pag-inog ng mundong ating ginagalawan. Pag tapak ng kolehiyo tayo’y nag-aaral para makapagtrabaho. Ganito na lamang ba ang layunin natin, na maghanap-buhay lamang, o maging tunay na taong-yaman?

Ang taong-yaman ay mulat sa katotohanan ng lipunan, bukas ang kanyang isipan sa pagkagustong gumawa ng mabuti para sa bayan. Matindi ang kanyang pagkilala ng kanyang sariling lahi, at hindi siya nagpapatapak ng dayuhan sa kanyang katauhan at kasaysaysan.

Kailangang mamulat tayo na ang mga layunin natin sa kaalaman at masyadong lantay at hindi maaaring makapagbukas ng isip at diwa ng kabataan at ng bayan. Hindi dapat nasasarado lamang ang edukasyon sa pamomroblema kung paano at ano ang ituturo sa kabataan. Ika nga, kung nailapat natin ang tamang layunin, mas madali na ang magmapa ng paraang makarating doon.

Ang dapat na itanong natin ngayon ay kung ano ang nakikita nating pagbabago sa lipunan sa pagtatapos ng kabataan sa kanilang edukasyon at ano ang gampanin ng kabataan sa pagbabangong-dangal ng lipunan.

Ibahagi natin sa mga kabataan ang kalidad ng edukasyong nararapat sa kanila. Iwasto natin ang mga pagkukulang sa kanilang pag-aaral. Ilapit natin sa kanila ang edukasyon, kung saan abot-kamay nila ang pag-asa ng kinabukasan. Hindi lamang ang mga guro, kundi pati na rin ang mga magulang ay dapat makibahagi sa edukasyon kung sila rin naman ay makikinabang sa kinabukasan. Baguhin natin ang ating pananaw sa edukasyon, dahil hindi ito ginagamit lang sa pag-aaral tungkol sa ingles, sa agham, at sa matematika, kundi lalo na tungkol sa kasaysayan at sa pagkamamamayang Filipino.

Hindi nagwawakas ang edukasyon sa pagtatapos ng mag-aaral, datapwa’t sila pa nga’y dapat maghangad na matutunan pa ang kailangan nila upang maging maunlad ang ating bayan, ang ating lipunan, at ang ating lahi.

The nerve of Sarah Palin to accuse Barack Obama of being anti-American, racist, and a terrorist.

This side of the campaign has been telling people that they are who they are with. Obama has been known to be neighbors with Bill Ayers, domestic terrorist, and it has been said that Obama's political career was launched in Ayers' living room. There's also Obama's pastor Jeremy Wright who has launched a racist attack quite a while back. By association, she implies that Obama is also racist and a terrorist. Plus that he is anti-American, which is unfounded.

Accusations of which Sarah Palin wishes to open to America. Oh, okay, let us use that case: you are who you associate sleep with.

Let us now then question the person closest to the lipstick-wearing pitbull herself, Todd Palin, her husband.

Todd Palin is a member for seven years of the Alaskan Independence Party which, at first establishment, sought the secession of the state of Alaska from America. Some members are currently disputing whether to join Canada, or to become part of a Western Canadian State. Isn't Canada a different country from America? Joe Vogler, founder of the party, has been quoted many times as saying, "I'm an Alaskan, not an American. I've got no use for America or her damned institutions."

Who is anti-America now?

I realize now how sad I am that my blockmates are graduating and leaving the college, while I am here and I chose to stay.

This October I could be graduating. But last February I made the decision not to. I don't believe in regrets, but this decision does not come without burden too.

In my desire to do something great for our org, I have decided to stick it out. I am happy with what I did, as we are accomplishing so much now that it's overwhelming to me.

Still, the people whom I have shared most of my college life with are leaving, are going away and moving on to the next step in their lives. When they graduate I would be technically the oldest undergraduate next semester. Haha. And lower batches would most likely look to me for academic answers. While I know my comm res, I still feel unqualified to be teaching anyone.

I will miss my blockmates. We used to share afternoons mulling over how we will be able to finish our papers. It was just last year that we were taking our 165 with our PRSP, where we had to pass a complete research paper three days after submitting our competition paper. I couldn't believe I passed through that semester, with all its hell days and sleepless nights. But mostly I may have passed through it because I had my blockmates to share that semester with. Times may be rough, but when you have great people to share it with, any place in hell may just be a walk in the park.

My brother treats me like shit.

No, it's not the youngest. At least even if this kid is naughty at times, he can be extremely nice too. Plus I believe he listens to me. Mark is like a thirteen-year-old who thinks like a seventeen-year-old. We have this love-hate relationship, but I like to think that he likes me as much as I like him.

My other brother pushes me farther and farther away from his life. I hate him the way he does it to me. Each time he does this it makes me wonder how I would ever be the big sister that everyone looks up to, or at least a person that's nice enough to be lovable.

Everyday he makes me feel as if he's constantly saying, "get out of my face" without even uttering a word. I ask him for something and it'd be him almost saying fuck off.

Everyday makes it harder for me to show affection as a sister. It hurts, not just because I'm the eldest, but also because I don't know how to ever make this right. We used to be okay, but eventually I could feel the strains. I think it's too late to ever mend it, because if it wasn't this wouldn't hurt so bad.

For whatever things I've done in the past, will it be hard to get over them and start over? Is it really that difficult to get along with me? How hard is it to forgive me for each hurt I caused? Moreover, have each of those faults created so much of a rift that makes it impossible to bridge the divide?

Each day is a new day, I believe, a new beginning with every person in my life. I've been trying to get out of his way as much as I can, but also trying so hard to show affection for him without pushing myself too hard in his life. For everything he's done to me, I really could not do anything about them, but I try to work around them and think that he's really great deep inside.

But every time he does this, I get the feeling that he won't ever want anything to do with me anymore. He's just putting up with me because I'm his sister, because we live under the same roof. Otherwise he won't.

Maybe I'm just not that person one would like to be close to, to be intimate with. Maybe I'm just that, difficult to be with. Maybe if I were someone else I would push myself away too.

This makes me feel that it's difficult to love me. If my brother can't even love me, who else would?

It's funny how I always complain about so many things to finish when I take the last minute to start them.

It's funny how I barely get away with things that I wonder how in the hell I'm still here.

It's funny how I fumble through college life but still seem like I'm having fun. I'm not, or at least some of the time.

It's funny how I am blogging now and wasting my time now. But I'm not. Am I?

It's funny how I keep on thinking about a significant someone now and getting myself distracted.

I need coffee. Plus a light.

Today (or more accurately yesterday, as it is already nearing dawn), we had a bull session in our Psych class. It was kind of our integration day, last day as it is before the finals. We had a few exercises to jog us around a bit.

So, with papers taped to our backs we wrote what we thought of each classmate. I liked this exercise, particularly because it gives me a new perspective of myself, when I look at myself in the point of view of others.

My classmates don't really know me as well as my friends do, but what and who I am to them makes me think as how I am with other people who are not truly close to me. And I was happy with what they thought of me.

They put in smart, opinionated, intellectual, among others that describe me. I didn't initially want to come off as an ass or cocky, but when people think you are smart you tend to like their perspective of you and eventually think that maybe this is what you really are.

I don't really subscribe to that idea that I'm smarter than others, just smart is okay with me. I tend to think of other people as having quite different ideas and concepts that amaze me, so I think they really are rather smart too. I've become flabbergasted with others who present ideas that make me think twice about my own. So I'm not really smart, just that I surround myself with smart people.

But I appreciate my classmates for giving me a fresh perspective of myself. I'll miss that class, as I've learned not simply from theories and concepts from the actual science, but more from the ideas and musings of others and how these can be applied to their lives.