How do you form the words so that people will understand how you feel, that they won't judge you?

Truth is, there aren't any words. Anything that can make it less surreal, less scary. People still judge you for being different, for doing things outside the norm.

But the only thing that connects me to these people is that I feel the same way they do. I am human just like them. I love as much as they can; I get hurt as much as they do.

I do not wish to be judged for who I love or how I found it. Love never judges. It only binds. It creates the best and most beautiful, and sometimes the worst and most hurtful, memories. It ties people together.

I wish to be judged for how I loved. When I die, I want to be remembered as giving my all as I loved--completely, wholeheartedly, unconditionally.

I just want to love and be loved. I just want to have that chance to be with the one person I love the most. Just one chance, one moment.

You came into my life unexpectedly. We talked. Minutes. Hours. Days. Weeks. Months.

You are the sweetest person I've ever met. No one comes par to you.

You greet me with "you look great today" everyday you'd see me, even if that moment you saw me I just rolled out of bed and still in my oversized t-shirt with large holes in them. Even if that moment I had no sleep yet because I was working the night before. Even if that moment I still haven't combed my hair or washed my face.

To you, I am the most beautiful woman in the world.

To you, my smile meant that life is still great even if it damn sucks.

You tell me everyday how much I mean to you. You speak like there was no other truth.

I never thought you'd make me feel the way I do now. I feel all kinds of emotions with you. Passion. Happiness. Excitement. Giggly girlishness that I thought I left back in high school.

You even make me feel those things I would rather not feel. Anger. Anxiety. Hate. But I would rather go through these emotions intensely with you than not have them at all.

Since we met, that has been the aura about you. The intensity. The fieriness, pardon the pun. You have not been less than intense since that day, and it kills me everyday to feel that kind of passion from you, wanting it but not having it.

With you, all those moments are insanely searing.

But just because you were intense, doesn't mean there wasn't warmth. Your warm and caring ways make me feel secure each day. You seal every day with all your love. It follows me, guides me, protects me.

Everyday, if we weren't too sweet, we were too sour. Our days are punctuated by both mushy moments and really bad fights. But I wouldn't want anything less.

I wait for the day of the start of the rest of our lives. Everyday, the hope of you and me, together for always.

To you. Have all of my heart, all of me. I am yours.

I took a personality test, and these things are just so true about me. Read on.

Your view on yourself:
You are intelligent, honest and sweet. You are friendly to everybody and don't like conflict. Because you're so cheerful and fun people are naturally attracted to you and like to talk to you.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:
Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex. In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive, so you will find yourself with plenty of dates.

Your views on education
Education is less important than the real world out there, away from the classroom. Deep inside you want to start working, earning money and living on your own.

The right job for you:
You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success:
You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of:
You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel.

Who is your true self:
You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.

This is a post to tell the whole world how distracted I've been the past few months.

Yes, it's hard to admit how much I've been way off mark. I've been out of focus. I've never ever been as distracted as I am. I do get distracted at times, I have my moments, but this is the longest and most confused off-the-mark me. (And knowing the real goal-driven me, I never stop until I get there. So this is not me.)

I know the cause. I feel what the cause has done to me since day one. But it still has not stopped me from getting away from it. I want it too much, too badly, to get away from it.

But why? Why would I want something that has caused me so much distress the past months? Too much that it may even cost me my own future. I have to remind myself that I'm graduating, and now is not the right time to be wayward.

I am surprising myself that I even want this, because it has not been in any of my plans, ever. I have always been that girl with the goals and the dreams. I used to know what I want out of life. Now I'm totally confused.

I went through an emotional mess this past semester. It's difficult to admit that I had nervous breakdowns throughout these past months, and I was so scared that I even readied myself to put myself in professional treatment. I had moments when I thought I would have heart attacks just from the fatigue and the emotional stress I've been going through.

And for what is all this? I'm going through all this heartache just for what?

I can't believe I'm even in this, but it's all too messy for me to be in. I can't go on and live my life this way, I have to brush it all off and stand up again. I am a total mess, but it's not too late for everything.

I'm clinging to this but why? It has never given me enough reason why I should be here.

I need a reason to believe that what I'm going through is all worth it. All this emotional mess must be a sign, but I've been willing to go through it all, as long as it's worth it.

Give me a sign, Lord. I'm lost. I'm lost. I'm lost...

May It Be - Enya

I miss Los Banos. Sunday afternoons and smooth jazz do this to you: wraps you in melancholic thoughts.

I miss Los Banos. It was my heaven, my escape from the world I am so used to living in. My two-year stay has been that epitome of wistful love, and no place has ever taken me as much as Los Banos.

In the back of my mind I knew I would not be destined to stay in Los Banos the rest of my life. I was there as a transient, I will move on to better and bigger things. If I hadn't left after two years, I still would have left after four years. I had always known that, but still, I loved Los Banos and wished that Los Banos would be my home forever.

It's like a summer romance. I know it's just for the short while, and real life will happen later on. But it did not stop me from falling as hard as I could, just as summer loves usually are.

Before, I found hard to imagine to live a life outside Los Banos, but I did. I stayed for four years in Diliman, and didn't look back. But when did I look back, simple glimpses (even through pictures) of my memories--SU Building, Humanities steps, my old dorm, Carabao Park, Vega, grove, ACCI field... they all remind me of those times I wished were forever. Time used to pass by very slowly but very quickly.

Reminiscing Los Banos is like remembering an old flame. I have moved on with my life, just as Los Banos has moved on. Everything is still the same in Los Banos, but I hardly recognize it anymore. Los Banos does not recognize me, too, I have moved on from that dreamy writer-to-be to become a researcher with everything almost in her grasp.

I always say that Los Banos is like a passionate lover, someone you want but would be completely impractical and impossible to love, because Los Banos, while passionate, is held within that time you met and will change. Los Banos is a first love, and everything changes since that first love. Diliman, on the other hand, is like the perfect life partner, someone who is ideal but does not have that flame that attracted you to Los Banos in the first place. Diliman will be with you forever, will provide for you, but will never be like that first love.

I miss those days when Los Banos molded me to dream, but also to be afraid. When it molded me to stay strong, to have ideals and goals in life. It made me someone whom Diliman would love.

By Mariel Kierulf Asiddao
Philippine Daily Inquirer

Last updated 17:15:00 02/13/2009

Original link to the article here.

WHILE V-Day for many is SAD (Single Awareness Day), don’t fret if you’re NBSB or NGSB (No Boyfriend Since Birth or No Girlfriend Since Birth); you are not alone.

In fact, if you are from UP, you are in the majority.

In a recent study done by the UP Communication Research Society about perceptions of, attitudes toward, and practices of romantic love among UP Diliman students, three out of four students identified themselves as single. Majority—41 percent, have never been in a relationship, while 36 percent are single but have been in a relationship.

The rest are in open or exclusive relationships, or engaged.

The survey, which sampled 312 students from 16 colleges within the university, can be generalized for the student population of UP Diliman, though further studies are encouraged in other colleges and universities to look at college students’ perceptions, attitudes and practices toward romance.

The respondents were asked to describe love using 15 pairs of words on a semantic differential scale. According to them, romantic love is attainable, fun and mature. However, it is not clear if one has to be mature to achieve it. Even then, while romantic love can be mature, it is not boring, but fun and enjoyable.

Partner preferences

The survey looked at the students’ preferences in choosing a partner, and found out that respondents do not take physical appearance as the most important factor in a partner. Good moral character (remember GMRC in high school?) is at the top of the list, followed by personality and intelligence.

Gender or sexual orientation is also a top factor in partner preference, as is the family. A potential partner should have the makings of a good spouse as well as a good family background. The consent of each others’ families is also important.

Physical appearance is, of course, also important, though the respondents look at the overall appearance and not just attraction to a partner.

Results also show that students are more open to dating people outside their own social circles. Race is the least important factor, as well as the possibility that potential partners might come from other schools outside UP and from other nationalities. Political views and skin color, presumably because of race, also rank lowest.

Expressing love

Constant communication is the most important expression of love in relationships, according to the respondents. So, while people may be busy, it is important to keep in touch with each other. Respondents see their significant others also as confidants; sharing secrets is important in a relationship.

Celebrating special occasions together and going out on dates follow as important expressions of love in a relationship.

Meanwhile, displays of affection, sexually intimate acts and sexual intercourse rank lowest in expressions of love. While UP students are thought to be liberal, or more liberal than the average student, the study showed that they are still traditional in terms of relationships. They do not seem to give much importance to sexual intercourse.

Commitment, intimacy, passion

According to Robert Sternberg, the psychologist who developed the triangular theory of love, the three components of love are passion, commitment and intimacy. Among the three, commitment is seen by UP students as the most important element in relationships, specifically getting through relationship problems and making the relationship last.

Intimacy, or feelings of connectedness and closeness in relationships, is manifested through the experience of happiness when being with their significant other and receiving emotional support, as well as through complete and reciprocal trust.

The respondents ranked passion as the least important among the components of love. This refers to physical attraction and sexual consummation in relationships. Not surprising, as physical attributes and sexual intimacy do not rank as high in partner preferences and in expressions of love in the study. However, the nurturance aspect of passion is ranked high in importance, though this is nurturing in the emotional and not the physical sense.

As ‘nagmamahal’ and as ‘minamahal’

As giver of love, the respondents are most willing to give emotional support and trust to their significant others or would-be significant others. They are also willing to give affection as well as gifts to show their love.

Respondents are also willing to give academic support through helping with school work and projects, or even just encouragement from academic stress.

Meanwhile, they are least willing to give sex or sacrifice their virginity in a relationship. They are also not willing to give financial support to their current or would-be significant others.

As receiver of love, on the other hand, UP students expect in return what they would give to their partners or would-be partners. They expect to receive trust, emotional support and affection in return.

However, they do not expect sex from their partners and their partners’ virginity while in a romantic relationship. They also do not expect their partners to give them financial support, which can imply that UP students wish to have financial independence from their significant others.

Traditional values

The results of the study imply that, contrary to the widespread perception, UP students are still traditional in terms of relationships. While they can be liberal in terms of their views and opinions, relationships are still traditional to them. Sexual acts and sexual intimacy are not deemed as important to make relationships last.

UP students prefer what is within the person—his or her personality, character, intelligence—than what is outside, such as nationality, skin color and race. That means they are also more open to dating people outside their own social circles.

My absence from the face of the blogging world has to be explained: I was doing thesis. Haha. So many days I have been wanting to blog, especially during days when I want to rant about the particularly stupid ways this administration has been running amuck in this country.

I have been busy with thesis, and February was my last month as head of our organization, so pretty much my life has been hectic that blogging became the least of my priorities.

But now, time to kill. What have I been up to?

I'm slowly progressing in my thesis, thankfully, I've been working so hard but people don't seem to want to participate in this study. I can't blame them, though, as their lives aren't wrapped around the seemingly innocuousness problems I have, my thesis is not their problem anyway. Besides, they don't see the kind of urgency or need for my advocacy in media education. Leave it to the traditional way of thinking and teaching, I guess.

I am going to graduate, this I have in the back of my mind. I am going to finish this and submit it, even if it kills me. I am going to graduate this April.

For so long I have wanted to graduate, it's nearly here! I WANT to graduate. The two-year delay has cost me a lot, but even then, I have enjoyed my extra time. But I think I will be overstaying my welcome; I have been in Diliman for four years and I have to leave.

I am also not particularly fond of the inquisitions as to why I haven't graduated yet. People seem to think something is wrong with me for staying six years in college. I have transferred, hello. But people don't seem to care. They think I'm dumb to have taken this long to finish. Well, I admit to having my stupid foolish moments, but who doesn't have them anyway. But I'm not so dumb as to have flunked my subjects to overstay in the university. As it is, I want to finish the soonest possible time.

Oh well. I'm going to post a rant soon enough. But for today, I want to share the article published in PDI that I wrote. It was published a month ago, wtf, but still.

I miss this blogging. Plus I miss the ranting about the politics in our country. Don't know when I'll be back, but enjoy.

Underclass Hero - Sum 41

I, along with millions of other people around the world, joined in the jubilation at the inauguration of America's 44th President, Barack Obama. I could not contain the amazement at watching history unfold before me, as I sat wide awake watching the ceremonies at midnight here in Manila.

I am rather speechless at this historic moment, and I was tearful at the playing of the American national anthem even though I wasn't American. Simply that this is the time when we begin to see the change in the face of modern politics is already enough to amaze me that I am here to witness it on the other side of the world.

But I come back to my reality, the Filipino reality, and the horror that comes after it when old goats open their mouths.

The headline can already make my stomach hurl. I realize I should not take breakfast before reading the news.

Obama can learn from Arroyo

Let's all use this moment to say a silent prayer for our country the Philippines.

Obama can learn from Arroyo, says Palace official

MANILA, Philippines – The Philippines may be just a Third World country, but US President Barack Obama could learn a lesson or two about governance from President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo, her top aide said Wednesday.

Executive Secretary Eduardo Ermita said while he did not want to think Filipinos were better than anybody else, especially since the political system and environment among countries are different from one another, he thinks Arroyo's assumption of the presidency ahead of Obama gave her enough experience on dealing with challenges that lay ahead.

"First of all, our President is ahead of Obama and probably, I would think that if there's anything to be learned, it should be President Obama learning from President Arroyo. And wouldn't we be proud to say that the Philippines continues to be an 'island of calm' because of the present crunches?" he said, when asked by media what lesson Arroyo could learn from Obama.

Read more here

Being first to arrive in the fray does not make one an expert about the fray. So while Arroyo was first, has she learned enough to make the Philippines a better country than it was before?

I am reminded by what my parents taught me, that while I, being the eldest, should know best as I have been around far longer than my siblings, I am not necessarily the wisest among them, as there are moments when I can learn from them as they can learn from me. It is true that they should learn from me, so I must be able to set the example.

The question begs an answer: has Arroyo been exemplary? (We just hope that this moment of silence means that we are in a prayerful, not blank, state.)

The Philippines remains not an island of calm, but an archipelago in distress. The calm in the countrysides is disrupted by battles for justice and equal rights, battles against poverty and corruption. I cannot help but think that the only calm in this country are the bodies that lie underneath the soil (but their spirits shout for justice), the victims of poverty and injustice and blatant disregard for freedom.

This presidency has not been an exemplary one. The president sits in Malacanang, the people kneel in prayer, and the government lies on just about anything, all while the world stands in to witness it.

Ermita must not have been watching Obama's inauguration address, or his hearing might not have been in check, when Obama said, "To those who cling to power through corruption and deceit and the silencing of dissent, know that you are on the wrong side of history; but that we will extend a hand if you are willing to unclench your fist."

Corruption and deceit, two mighty words that GMA, even with all her education, still does not comprehend. The people do not need to name this very long list of corrupt practices, as it can go on from A to ZTE.

The silencing of dissent and the UN report that says how this government turns a blind eye to the killings of activists, journalists, and the people who fight for truth and freedom. It is in our hope that the silence of their mouths would not silent their truths.

Cling to power. Hello, Garci?

So I finally submitted my thesis proposal.

I have to tell you, it feels so awesome.

There is nothing like it in the world, to finally say, OMG, I've done it.

Of course, there is still the data-gathering and data-processing part. Which is bloody, I might add.

But to be able to pass this one hurdle feels so great. After laboring over it for so long I have done it. Yes.

Now, on to the real world.

I have to do my data-gathering, I have to start this week to be able to catch up with everyone. Of course, this part is not as easy, as I can provide a testament to doing the data-analysis and results with my previous experience in research: it is going to be hell.

Hell, bring it on. I'm ready.