I confess i haven't been around for so much of the time I wanted to. I wanted to write about so many things, and many of them politics, many of them about the social ills that hopefully I wish to shed light on. But most of the time light has already been shed for them; what bugs is that people don't actually look at that light, or most of the time something else has shone brighter.

This is Mariel Chapter 4. Fourth blog (or fourth that is legitimate; I've erased others).

I can't say that my change will bring about something different to my writing. I'm still the same person, after all. But looking back, I guess I may have matured a bit with my writings. I've been needing an outlet to put in every damn inspiration (and perspiration) that comes over me, and this is still the best place to be.

Blogspot, still. I've been known to stick to what I already know, and since I don't have time to get to know the interface of other journals, I'm putting myself here. Again.

Now that I'm here, what's new?

I've been complaining on and on in previous blogs that I have still so many semesters to accomplish, so many papers more to write. It's nearing the time to graduate. My thesis is still in the works (still in the conceptualization phase, mostly), and I'd rather not divulge details about why I'm separating myself from my current research.

I can't believe I'm already here. I'm nearing IT. I've wanted it for so long that finally, just one more semester to go (which would have not been part of my year if I had not run and became president of CommResSoc), I'd be getting it. I'm nearing graduation, and I fear to fail it.

Not that I fear that I won't graduate. I fear failing myself when I do get to that crossroad. I fear not accomplishing my goals when I finally leave the student life. I fear not getting the most out of what UP has to offer me.

I've been getting job offers as early as now. I can't think yet where I want to go. My dad asked me just this morning, "Are you happy with your life and with what you're doing?" I told him, of course I'm happy. He asked why.

Because now I feel like I'm doing what I should. I enjoy what I do. I enjoy research even if it kills me and will probably kill me more in the future. Because I know that what I do contributes to that body of knowledge where one day I can be proud of myself and say that I've done quite a bit for humanity, even if I was just in college at that time.

I wish to go on, but I can't. I have other things on my mind, other things that I must accomplish. I am, after all, still a student and a slave to academia. I long for the freedom, but after that toga ceremony I will not be breathing liberty--instead I will be breathing more responsibilities, more accountabilities, more expectations.

I am opening chapter four in my cyberlife, chapter 16 in my journal-life. I told my friend Monik that I left blogging because I hate writing about myself. But it's the only subject of which I can be sure of. And now it doesn't have to be just me anymore. I am chapter four, plus other aspects of life that needs to be shed light upon.

Kill me sweetheart while I write the first draft.