distracted

This is a post to tell the whole world how distracted I've been the past few months.

Yes, it's hard to admit how much I've been way off mark. I've been out of focus. I've never ever been as distracted as I am. I do get distracted at times, I have my moments, but this is the longest and most confused off-the-mark me. (And knowing the real goal-driven me, I never stop until I get there. So this is not me.)

I know the cause. I feel what the cause has done to me since day one. But it still has not stopped me from getting away from it. I want it too much, too badly, to get away from it.

But why? Why would I want something that has caused me so much distress the past months? Too much that it may even cost me my own future. I have to remind myself that I'm graduating, and now is not the right time to be wayward.

I am surprising myself that I even want this, because it has not been in any of my plans, ever. I have always been that girl with the goals and the dreams. I used to know what I want out of life. Now I'm totally confused.

I went through an emotional mess this past semester. It's difficult to admit that I had nervous breakdowns throughout these past months, and I was so scared that I even readied myself to put myself in professional treatment. I had moments when I thought I would have heart attacks just from the fatigue and the emotional stress I've been going through.

And for what is all this? I'm going through all this heartache just for what?

I can't believe I'm even in this, but it's all too messy for me to be in. I can't go on and live my life this way, I have to brush it all off and stand up again. I am a total mess, but it's not too late for everything.

I'm clinging to this but why? It has never given me enough reason why I should be here.

I need a reason to believe that what I'm going through is all worth it. All this emotional mess must be a sign, but I've been willing to go through it all, as long as it's worth it.

Give me a sign, Lord. I'm lost. I'm lost. I'm lost...

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