Everyday that I don't get to talk to him, even for just a little while, is painful.

This is the only thing I have, the only thing I hold on to, those moments when we talk.

Each day it makes me wonder if I really can go through waiting, through testing patience, and still have enough of the feeling to make it last.

Every moment I try to hold on to the connection, but every moment we aren't together is painful.

I'm afraid to lose our connection with time. I'm holding on as long as he wants me to.

I need a two-week break. No cable TV or internet. Or siblings.

I seem to forget the urge to get down to business and work whenever I stay in this house. I'm too pampered in this place; I don't even need to do chores.

I'm going to a place where I can work quietly and peacefully--even if that takes an indefinite period of time. I have just finished packing my books, notes, and a few other work things.

I need deadlines. I need the pressure. I work better under pressure.

Hopefully when I get back I'm at least 80% finished with all I have to accomplish.

This means, no more movie marathons.

Paalam, but I wish to be back for that Halloween party.

Something is fishy with how PNP Director General Jesus Versoza explained the 105,000 euros (6.9 million in pesos) "cash advance" held by Retired Comptroller Eliseo de la Paz.

He said, "The funds are intended for possible purchase of intelligence equipment and similar products."

Oh, now, isn't this an illegal way of procuring government intelligence equipment?

What is fishy with this set up is that the money is in liquidated cash. Not simply in pesos, but in Euros. Why bring money in large amounts of cash, if it is to be used for the procurement of intelligence equipment? Procurement of such equipment isn't like shopping in a mall where you bring cash and look around stores. Spy gear boutiques? I think not, especially for the national fucking police.

Cash is virtually untraceable when brought out into the market, when it exchanges hands it cannot be found that easily. So it brings us to question why the PNP has to liquidate such amount. What is the purpose of cashing 105,000 euros?

What I think is supposed to be the plan here is to liquidate the money, also from a fishy source, and use or distribute such amount in cash as it will be rendered untraceable. To deposit that amount, the money will leave a paper trail, and the PNP or the sources of the funds don't want that.

I'd like to know where this money came from, and why that money is in Moscow and St. Petersburg, of all places. The PNP is doing business abroad, and with whom?

Earlier it was reported by Interior Secretary Ronaldo Puno that it was to be used as a "contingency fund," but why a contingency fund thrice larger than the budget itself? In my own experience, contingency funds are usually simply half the budget. If this is the case anyway, I thought our government is trying to be frugal and penny-pinching funds?

It's even fishier that de la Paz skipped the Senate hearings into the case even with the subpoena. People who don't have anything to hide don't have to hide.

With the current Senate hearings, I'd like to know: why is de la Paz holding such an amount, why is that amount in cash, what intelligence equipment and where are they planning to buy such, why the money is in the hands of a retired police comptroller, why a contingency fund larger than the budget itself, among others. Each day that this issue is unraveling tells us how dirty this administration is.

"Remember Red, hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies."
- Andy Dufresne, The Shawshank Redemption

It is one of the best things to live for, hope. It carries you through each day, even when all else seems lost.

Nothing is lost, not one bit now. Each day it does seem impossible, but not entirely so.

Everyday I carry with me the love I have for someone whose distance I cannot imagine, whose suns rise while my moons shine. And everyday I carry with it hope, that we will be with each other, no matter how impossible it is now.

I still cannot believe I am in love with a man, connected to him somehow, and he is as far from me as he could be. Sometimes I want to believe this is real, that there really is someone who loves me as much as I love him, who wishes for a future with me. I think he may be a fairy tale; I have never touched his face, only his image. But I have faith in the good things, and love is one of them.

Distance and time is nothing now to me. Dum spiro spero.

I have faith that the right time will come for the both of us. I have hope, each moment, when my heart will finally be free because you have me.

Hope carries my heart over to you, that you may find me one day. And when you do, I will be there to welcome you with open arms, and a heart that is yours to keep.

It's beginning to be a bit more routine now, me and him. It's been how long? I've met him in the first few days of September. In a little more than a week it will be November. Time flies quickly when you're having fun.

I can't help but think that had this been a real-time relationship we would not have been moving as fast as we are now. Usually the first couple of months is meant for the getting-to-know-each-other, and things get pretty serious in the third or fourth month. But it feels like we've crammed too much into a small space of time that now we're in the cruising phase, it's just chill because we know how we stand in each other's lives.

Honestly, I'm scared of what this might become, because we might not be able to meet each others' expectations. It is inevitable that each day there will be more and more expectations, and it will be a high road for each of us individually.

I'm afraid of moving. My roots are planted quite firmly on this ground, and I'm afraid to be out on my own again. I've been independent before in Los Banos, but that was different. It was still essentially the same culture I've known, however underground so many things are. I am a strong woman and I can be out on my own, but that doesn't mean I will not have my fears.

It's difficult; this is the first time I've been in this kind of relationship. I treasure him, I want to be with him, but it scares me. What if my parents would not want me to go? What if I invest so much of my emotions into this and into him and it does not turn out the way I had wanted and planned it?

I had freaked out at the circumstances he has found himself in, because I realized that while I know him so much, I don't know how he is with the people in his life. Shouldn't he be scared too, of who I am with the people in my life? This is like we have our own secured box where we jump into whenever we talk, and we know each other only within that box. Outside, we are still different individuals who have relationships with others and have different situations that we can't fully understand unless we be there to witness it.

I want this to happen. I am happy now, but will that change when I get to where I want to be?

Anxiety is always healthy before jumping into things, right?