My absence from the face of the blogging world has to be explained: I was doing thesis. Haha. So many days I have been wanting to blog, especially during days when I want to rant about the particularly stupid ways this administration has been running amuck in this country.

I have been busy with thesis, and February was my last month as head of our organization, so pretty much my life has been hectic that blogging became the least of my priorities.

But now, time to kill. What have I been up to?

I'm slowly progressing in my thesis, thankfully, I've been working so hard but people don't seem to want to participate in this study. I can't blame them, though, as their lives aren't wrapped around the seemingly innocuousness problems I have, my thesis is not their problem anyway. Besides, they don't see the kind of urgency or need for my advocacy in media education. Leave it to the traditional way of thinking and teaching, I guess.

I am going to graduate, this I have in the back of my mind. I am going to finish this and submit it, even if it kills me. I am going to graduate this April.

For so long I have wanted to graduate, it's nearly here! I WANT to graduate. The two-year delay has cost me a lot, but even then, I have enjoyed my extra time. But I think I will be overstaying my welcome; I have been in Diliman for four years and I have to leave.

I am also not particularly fond of the inquisitions as to why I haven't graduated yet. People seem to think something is wrong with me for staying six years in college. I have transferred, hello. But people don't seem to care. They think I'm dumb to have taken this long to finish. Well, I admit to having my stupid foolish moments, but who doesn't have them anyway. But I'm not so dumb as to have flunked my subjects to overstay in the university. As it is, I want to finish the soonest possible time.

Oh well. I'm going to post a rant soon enough. But for today, I want to share the article published in PDI that I wrote. It was published a month ago, wtf, but still.

I miss this blogging. Plus I miss the ranting about the politics in our country. Don't know when I'll be back, but enjoy.

So I finally submitted my thesis proposal.

I have to tell you, it feels so awesome.

There is nothing like it in the world, to finally say, OMG, I've done it.

Of course, there is still the data-gathering and data-processing part. Which is bloody, I might add.

But to be able to pass this one hurdle feels so great. After laboring over it for so long I have done it. Yes.

Now, on to the real world.

I have to do my data-gathering, I have to start this week to be able to catch up with everyone. Of course, this part is not as easy, as I can provide a testament to doing the data-analysis and results with my previous experience in research: it is going to be hell.

Hell, bring it on. I'm ready.

I need a two-week break. No cable TV or internet. Or siblings.

I seem to forget the urge to get down to business and work whenever I stay in this house. I'm too pampered in this place; I don't even need to do chores.

I'm going to a place where I can work quietly and peacefully--even if that takes an indefinite period of time. I have just finished packing my books, notes, and a few other work things.

I need deadlines. I need the pressure. I work better under pressure.

Hopefully when I get back I'm at least 80% finished with all I have to accomplish.

This means, no more movie marathons.

Paalam, but I wish to be back for that Halloween party.

I realize now how sad I am that my blockmates are graduating and leaving the college, while I am here and I chose to stay.

This October I could be graduating. But last February I made the decision not to. I don't believe in regrets, but this decision does not come without burden too.

In my desire to do something great for our org, I have decided to stick it out. I am happy with what I did, as we are accomplishing so much now that it's overwhelming to me.

Still, the people whom I have shared most of my college life with are leaving, are going away and moving on to the next step in their lives. When they graduate I would be technically the oldest undergraduate next semester. Haha. And lower batches would most likely look to me for academic answers. While I know my comm res, I still feel unqualified to be teaching anyone.

I will miss my blockmates. We used to share afternoons mulling over how we will be able to finish our papers. It was just last year that we were taking our 165 with our PRSP, where we had to pass a complete research paper three days after submitting our competition paper. I couldn't believe I passed through that semester, with all its hell days and sleepless nights. But mostly I may have passed through it because I had my blockmates to share that semester with. Times may be rough, but when you have great people to share it with, any place in hell may just be a walk in the park.

It's funny how I always complain about so many things to finish when I take the last minute to start them.

It's funny how I barely get away with things that I wonder how in the hell I'm still here.

It's funny how I fumble through college life but still seem like I'm having fun. I'm not, or at least some of the time.

It's funny how I am blogging now and wasting my time now. But I'm not. Am I?

It's funny how I keep on thinking about a significant someone now and getting myself distracted.

I need coffee. Plus a light.

I confess i haven't been around for so much of the time I wanted to. I wanted to write about so many things, and many of them politics, many of them about the social ills that hopefully I wish to shed light on. But most of the time light has already been shed for them; what bugs is that people don't actually look at that light, or most of the time something else has shone brighter.

This is Mariel Chapter 4. Fourth blog (or fourth that is legitimate; I've erased others).

I can't say that my change will bring about something different to my writing. I'm still the same person, after all. But looking back, I guess I may have matured a bit with my writings. I've been needing an outlet to put in every damn inspiration (and perspiration) that comes over me, and this is still the best place to be.

Blogspot, still. I've been known to stick to what I already know, and since I don't have time to get to know the interface of other journals, I'm putting myself here. Again.

Now that I'm here, what's new?

I've been complaining on and on in previous blogs that I have still so many semesters to accomplish, so many papers more to write. It's nearing the time to graduate. My thesis is still in the works (still in the conceptualization phase, mostly), and I'd rather not divulge details about why I'm separating myself from my current research.

I can't believe I'm already here. I'm nearing IT. I've wanted it for so long that finally, just one more semester to go (which would have not been part of my year if I had not run and became president of CommResSoc), I'd be getting it. I'm nearing graduation, and I fear to fail it.

Not that I fear that I won't graduate. I fear failing myself when I do get to that crossroad. I fear not accomplishing my goals when I finally leave the student life. I fear not getting the most out of what UP has to offer me.

I've been getting job offers as early as now. I can't think yet where I want to go. My dad asked me just this morning, "Are you happy with your life and with what you're doing?" I told him, of course I'm happy. He asked why.

Because now I feel like I'm doing what I should. I enjoy what I do. I enjoy research even if it kills me and will probably kill me more in the future. Because I know that what I do contributes to that body of knowledge where one day I can be proud of myself and say that I've done quite a bit for humanity, even if I was just in college at that time.

I wish to go on, but I can't. I have other things on my mind, other things that I must accomplish. I am, after all, still a student and a slave to academia. I long for the freedom, but after that toga ceremony I will not be breathing liberty--instead I will be breathing more responsibilities, more accountabilities, more expectations.

I am opening chapter four in my cyberlife, chapter 16 in my journal-life. I told my friend Monik that I left blogging because I hate writing about myself. But it's the only subject of which I can be sure of. And now it doesn't have to be just me anymore. I am chapter four, plus other aspects of life that needs to be shed light upon.

Kill me sweetheart while I write the first draft.