How do you form the words so that people will understand how you feel, that they won't judge you?

Truth is, there aren't any words. Anything that can make it less surreal, less scary. People still judge you for being different, for doing things outside the norm.

But the only thing that connects me to these people is that I feel the same way they do. I am human just like them. I love as much as they can; I get hurt as much as they do.

I do not wish to be judged for who I love or how I found it. Love never judges. It only binds. It creates the best and most beautiful, and sometimes the worst and most hurtful, memories. It ties people together.

I wish to be judged for how I loved. When I die, I want to be remembered as giving my all as I loved--completely, wholeheartedly, unconditionally.

I just want to love and be loved. I just want to have that chance to be with the one person I love the most. Just one chance, one moment.

You came into my life unexpectedly. We talked. Minutes. Hours. Days. Weeks. Months.

You are the sweetest person I've ever met. No one comes par to you.

You greet me with "you look great today" everyday you'd see me, even if that moment you saw me I just rolled out of bed and still in my oversized t-shirt with large holes in them. Even if that moment I had no sleep yet because I was working the night before. Even if that moment I still haven't combed my hair or washed my face.

To you, I am the most beautiful woman in the world.

To you, my smile meant that life is still great even if it damn sucks.

You tell me everyday how much I mean to you. You speak like there was no other truth.

I never thought you'd make me feel the way I do now. I feel all kinds of emotions with you. Passion. Happiness. Excitement. Giggly girlishness that I thought I left back in high school.

You even make me feel those things I would rather not feel. Anger. Anxiety. Hate. But I would rather go through these emotions intensely with you than not have them at all.

Since we met, that has been the aura about you. The intensity. The fieriness, pardon the pun. You have not been less than intense since that day, and it kills me everyday to feel that kind of passion from you, wanting it but not having it.

With you, all those moments are insanely searing.

But just because you were intense, doesn't mean there wasn't warmth. Your warm and caring ways make me feel secure each day. You seal every day with all your love. It follows me, guides me, protects me.

Everyday, if we weren't too sweet, we were too sour. Our days are punctuated by both mushy moments and really bad fights. But I wouldn't want anything less.

I wait for the day of the start of the rest of our lives. Everyday, the hope of you and me, together for always.

To you. Have all of my heart, all of me. I am yours.

I took a personality test, and these things are just so true about me. Read on.

Your view on yourself:
You are intelligent, honest and sweet. You are friendly to everybody and don't like conflict. Because you're so cheerful and fun people are naturally attracted to you and like to talk to you.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:
Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex. In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive, so you will find yourself with plenty of dates.

Your views on education
Education is less important than the real world out there, away from the classroom. Deep inside you want to start working, earning money and living on your own.

The right job for you:
You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success:
You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of:
You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel.

Who is your true self:
You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.

This is a post to tell the whole world how distracted I've been the past few months.

Yes, it's hard to admit how much I've been way off mark. I've been out of focus. I've never ever been as distracted as I am. I do get distracted at times, I have my moments, but this is the longest and most confused off-the-mark me. (And knowing the real goal-driven me, I never stop until I get there. So this is not me.)

I know the cause. I feel what the cause has done to me since day one. But it still has not stopped me from getting away from it. I want it too much, too badly, to get away from it.

But why? Why would I want something that has caused me so much distress the past months? Too much that it may even cost me my own future. I have to remind myself that I'm graduating, and now is not the right time to be wayward.

I am surprising myself that I even want this, because it has not been in any of my plans, ever. I have always been that girl with the goals and the dreams. I used to know what I want out of life. Now I'm totally confused.

I went through an emotional mess this past semester. It's difficult to admit that I had nervous breakdowns throughout these past months, and I was so scared that I even readied myself to put myself in professional treatment. I had moments when I thought I would have heart attacks just from the fatigue and the emotional stress I've been going through.

And for what is all this? I'm going through all this heartache just for what?

I can't believe I'm even in this, but it's all too messy for me to be in. I can't go on and live my life this way, I have to brush it all off and stand up again. I am a total mess, but it's not too late for everything.

I'm clinging to this but why? It has never given me enough reason why I should be here.

I need a reason to believe that what I'm going through is all worth it. All this emotional mess must be a sign, but I've been willing to go through it all, as long as it's worth it.

Give me a sign, Lord. I'm lost. I'm lost. I'm lost...

May It Be - Enya

I miss Los Banos. Sunday afternoons and smooth jazz do this to you: wraps you in melancholic thoughts.

I miss Los Banos. It was my heaven, my escape from the world I am so used to living in. My two-year stay has been that epitome of wistful love, and no place has ever taken me as much as Los Banos.

In the back of my mind I knew I would not be destined to stay in Los Banos the rest of my life. I was there as a transient, I will move on to better and bigger things. If I hadn't left after two years, I still would have left after four years. I had always known that, but still, I loved Los Banos and wished that Los Banos would be my home forever.

It's like a summer romance. I know it's just for the short while, and real life will happen later on. But it did not stop me from falling as hard as I could, just as summer loves usually are.

Before, I found hard to imagine to live a life outside Los Banos, but I did. I stayed for four years in Diliman, and didn't look back. But when did I look back, simple glimpses (even through pictures) of my memories--SU Building, Humanities steps, my old dorm, Carabao Park, Vega, grove, ACCI field... they all remind me of those times I wished were forever. Time used to pass by very slowly but very quickly.

Reminiscing Los Banos is like remembering an old flame. I have moved on with my life, just as Los Banos has moved on. Everything is still the same in Los Banos, but I hardly recognize it anymore. Los Banos does not recognize me, too, I have moved on from that dreamy writer-to-be to become a researcher with everything almost in her grasp.

I always say that Los Banos is like a passionate lover, someone you want but would be completely impractical and impossible to love, because Los Banos, while passionate, is held within that time you met and will change. Los Banos is a first love, and everything changes since that first love. Diliman, on the other hand, is like the perfect life partner, someone who is ideal but does not have that flame that attracted you to Los Banos in the first place. Diliman will be with you forever, will provide for you, but will never be like that first love.

I miss those days when Los Banos molded me to dream, but also to be afraid. When it molded me to stay strong, to have ideals and goals in life. It made me someone whom Diliman would love.