Marielitams, Chapter 4

love never judges

2009-06-01T10:23:00.002+08:00

How do you form the words so that people will understand how you feel, that they won't judge you?

Truth is, there aren't any words. Anything that can make it less surreal, less scary. People still judge you for being different, for doing things outside the norm.

But the only thing that connects me to these people is that I feel the same way they do. I am human just like them. I love as much as they can; I get hurt as much as they do.

I do not wish to be judged for who I love or how I found it. Love never judges. It only binds. It creates the best and most beautiful, and sometimes the worst and most hurtful, memories. It ties people together.

I wish to be judged for how I loved. When I die, I want to be remembered as giving my all as I loved--completely, wholeheartedly, unconditionally.

I just want to love and be loved. I just want to have that chance to be with the one person I love the most. Just one chance, one moment.

To you

2009-04-07T11:26:00.003+08:00

You came into my life unexpectedly. We talked. Minutes. Hours. Days. Weeks. Months.

You are the sweetest person I've ever met. No one comes par to you.

You greet me with "you look great today" everyday you'd see me, even if that moment you saw me I just rolled out of bed and still in my oversized t-shirt with large holes in them. Even if that moment I had no sleep yet because I was working the night before. Even if that moment I still haven't combed my hair or washed my face.

To you, I am the most beautiful woman in the world.

To you, my smile meant that life is still great even if it damn sucks.

You tell me everyday how much I mean to you. You speak like there was no other truth.

I never thought you'd make me feel the way I do now. I feel all kinds of emotions with you. Passion. Happiness. Excitement. Giggly girlishness that I thought I left back in high school.

You even make me feel those things I would rather not feel. Anger. Anxiety. Hate. But I would rather go through these emotions intensely with you than not have them at all.

Since we met, that has been the aura about you. The intensity. The fieriness, pardon the pun. You have not been less than intense since that day, and it kills me everyday to feel that kind of passion from you, wanting it but not having it.

With you, all those moments are insanely searing.

But just because you were intense, doesn't mean there wasn't warmth. Your warm and caring ways make me feel secure each day. You seal every day with all your love. It follows me, guides me, protects me.

Everyday, if we weren't too sweet, we were too sour. Our days are punctuated by both mushy moments and really bad fights. But I wouldn't want anything less.

I wait for the day of the start of the rest of our lives. Everyday, the hope of you and me, together for always.

To you. Have all of my heart, all of me. I am yours.

personality

2009-03-31T22:47:00.000+08:00

I took a personality test, and these things are just so true about me. Read on.

Your view on yourself:
You are intelligent, honest and sweet. You are friendly to everybody and don't like conflict. Because you're so cheerful and fun people are naturally attracted to you and like to talk to you.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:
Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex. In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive, so you will find yourself with plenty of dates.

Your views on education
Education is less important than the real world out there, away from the classroom. Deep inside you want to start working, earning money and living on your own.

The right job for you:
You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success:
You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of:
You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel.

Who is your true self:
You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.

distracted

2009-03-19T19:53:00.002+08:00

This is a post to tell the whole world how distracted I've been the past few months.

Yes, it's hard to admit how much I've been way off mark. I've been out of focus. I've never ever been as distracted as I am. I do get distracted at times, I have my moments, but this is the longest and most confused off-the-mark me. (And knowing the real goal-driven me, I never stop until I get there. So this is not me.)

I know the cause. I feel what the cause has done to me since day one. But it still has not stopped me from getting away from it. I want it too much, too badly, to get away from it.

But why? Why would I want something that has caused me so much distress the past months? Too much that it may even cost me my own future. I have to remind myself that I'm graduating, and now is not the right time to be wayward.

I am surprising myself that I even want this, because it has not been in any of my plans, ever. I have always been that girl with the goals and the dreams. I used to know what I want out of life. Now I'm totally confused.

I went through an emotional mess this past semester. It's difficult to admit that I had nervous breakdowns throughout these past months, and I was so scared that I even readied myself to put myself in professional treatment. I had moments when I thought I would have heart attacks just from the fatigue and the emotional stress I've been going through.

And for what is all this? I'm going through all this heartache just for what?

I can't believe I'm even in this, but it's all too messy for me to be in. I can't go on and live my life this way, I have to brush it all off and stand up again. I am a total mess, but it's not too late for everything.

I'm clinging to this but why? It has never given me enough reason why I should be here.

I need a reason to believe that what I'm going through is all worth it. All this emotional mess must be a sign, but I've been willing to go through it all, as long as it's worth it.

Give me a sign, Lord. I'm lost. I'm lost. I'm lost...

Los Banos my first love

2009-03-15T12:47:00.006+08:00

May It Be - Enya

I miss Los Banos. Sunday afternoons and smooth jazz do this to you: wraps you in melancholic thoughts.

I miss Los Banos. It was my heaven, my escape from the world I am so used to living in. My two-year stay has been that epitome of wistful love, and no place has ever taken me as much as Los Banos.

In the back of my mind I knew I would not be destined to stay in Los Banos the rest of my life. I was there as a transient, I will move on to better and bigger things. If I hadn't left after two years, I still would have left after four years. I had always known that, but still, I loved Los Banos and wished that Los Banos would be my home forever.

It's like a summer romance. I know it's just for the short while, and real life will happen later on. But it did not stop me from falling as hard as I could, just as summer loves usually are.

Before, I found hard to imagine to live a life outside Los Banos, but I did. I stayed for four years in Diliman, and didn't look back. But when did I look back, simple glimpses (even through pictures) of my memories--SU Building, Humanities steps, my old dorm, Carabao Park, Vega, grove, ACCI field... they all remind me of those times I wished were forever. Time used to pass by very slowly but very quickly.

Reminiscing Los Banos is like remembering an old flame. I have moved on with my life, just as Los Banos has moved on. Everything is still the same in Los Banos, but I hardly recognize it anymore. Los Banos does not recognize me, too, I have moved on from that dreamy writer-to-be to become a researcher with everything almost in her grasp.

I always say that Los Banos is like a passionate lover, someone you want but would be completely impractical and impossible to love, because Los Banos, while passionate, is held within that time you met and will change. Los Banos is a first love, and everything changes since that first love. Diliman, on the other hand, is like the perfect life partner, someone who is ideal but does not have that flame that attracted you to Los Banos in the first place. Diliman will be with you forever, will provide for you, but will never be like that first love.

I miss those days when Los Banos molded me to dream, but also to be afraid. When it molded me to stay strong, to have ideals and goals in life. It made me someone whom Diliman would love.

In UP, traditional love still rules

2009-03-15T09:31:00.002+08:00

By Mariel Kierulf Asiddao
Philippine Daily Inquirer

Last updated 17:15:00 02/13/2009

Original link to the article here.

WHILE V-Day for many is SAD (Single Awareness Day), don’t fret if you’re NBSB or NGSB (No Boyfriend Since Birth or No Girlfriend Since Birth); you are not alone.

In fact, if you are from UP, you are in the majority.

In a recent study done by the UP Communication Research Society about perceptions of, attitudes toward, and practices of romantic love among UP Diliman students, three out of four students identified themselves as single. Majority—41 percent, have never been in a relationship, while 36 percent are single but have been in a relationship.

The rest are in open or exclusive relationships, or engaged.

The survey, which sampled 312 students from 16 colleges within the university, can be generalized for the student population of UP Diliman, though further studies are encouraged in other colleges and universities to look at college students’ perceptions, attitudes and practices toward romance.

The respondents were asked to describe love using 15 pairs of words on a semantic differential scale. According to them, romantic love is attainable, fun and mature. However, it is not clear if one has to be mature to achieve it. Even then, while romantic love can be mature, it is not boring, but fun and enjoyable.

Partner preferences

The survey looked at the students’ preferences in choosing a partner, and found out that respondents do not take physical appearance as the most important factor in a partner. Good moral character (remember GMRC in high school?) is at the top of the list, followed by personality and intelligence.

Gender or sexual orientation is also a top factor in partner preference, as is the family. A potential partner should have the makings of a good spouse as well as a good family background. The consent of each others’ families is also important.

Physical appearance is, of course, also important, though the respondents look at the overall appearance and not just attraction to a partner.

Results also show that students are more open to dating people outside their own social circles. Race is the least important factor, as well as the possibility that potential partners might come from other schools outside UP and from other nationalities. Political views and skin color, presumably because of race, also rank lowest.

Expressing love

Constant communication is the most important expression of love in relationships, according to the respondents. So, while people may be busy, it is important to keep in touch with each other. Respondents see their significant others also as confidants; sharing secrets is important in a relationship.

Celebrating special occasions together and going out on dates follow as important expressions of love in a relationship.

Meanwhile, displays of affection, sexually intimate acts and sexual intercourse rank lowest in expressions of love. While UP students are thought to be liberal, or more liberal than the average student, the study showed that they are still traditional in terms of relationships. They do not seem to give much importance to sexual intercourse.

Commitment, intimacy, passion

According to Robert Sternberg, the psychologist who developed the triangular theory of love, the three components of love are passion, commitment and intimacy. Among the three, commitment is seen by UP students as the most important element in relationships, specifically getting through relationship problems and making the relationship last.

Intimacy, or feelings of connectedness and closeness in relationships, is manifested through the experience of happiness when being with their significant other and receiving emotional support, as well as through complete and reciprocal trust.

The respondents ranked passion as the least important among the components of love. This refers to physical attraction and sexual consummation in relationships. Not surprising, as physical attributes and sexual intimacy do not rank as high in partner preferences and in expressions of love in the study. However, the nurturance aspect of passion is ranked high in importance, though this is nurturing in the emotional and not the physical sense.

As ‘nagmamahal’ and as ‘minamahal’

As giver of love, the respondents are most willing to give emotional support and trust to their significant others or would-be significant others. They are also willing to give affection as well as gifts to show their love.

Respondents are also willing to give academic support through helping with school work and projects, or even just encouragement from academic stress.

Meanwhile, they are least willing to give sex or sacrifice their virginity in a relationship. They are also not willing to give financial support to their current or would-be significant others.

As receiver of love, on the other hand, UP students expect in return what they would give to their partners or would-be partners. They expect to receive trust, emotional support and affection in return.

However, they do not expect sex from their partners and their partners’ virginity while in a romantic relationship. They also do not expect their partners to give them financial support, which can imply that UP students wish to have financial independence from their significant others.

Traditional values

The results of the study imply that, contrary to the widespread perception, UP students are still traditional in terms of relationships. While they can be liberal in terms of their views and opinions, relationships are still traditional to them. Sexual acts and sexual intimacy are not deemed as important to make relationships last.

UP students prefer what is within the person—his or her personality, character, intelligence—than what is outside, such as nationality, skin color and race. That means they are also more open to dating people outside their own social circles.

AWOL excuse

2009-03-15T09:11:00.003+08:00

My absence from the face of the blogging world has to be explained: I was doing thesis. Haha. So many days I have been wanting to blog, especially during days when I want to rant about the particularly stupid ways this administration has been running ~~amuck in~~ this country.

I have been busy with thesis, and February was my last month as head of our organization, so pretty much my life has been hectic that blogging became the least of my priorities.

But now, time to kill. What have I been up to?

I'm slowly progressing in my thesis, thankfully, I've been working so hard but people don't seem to want to participate in this study. I can't blame them, though, as their lives aren't wrapped around the seemingly innocuousness problems I have, my thesis is not their problem anyway. Besides, they don't see the kind of urgency or need for my advocacy in media education. Leave it to the traditional way of thinking and teaching, I guess.

I am going to graduate, this I have in the back of my mind. I am going to finish this and submit it, even if it kills me. I am going to graduate this April.

For so long I have wanted to graduate, it's nearly here! I WANT to graduate. The two-year delay has cost me a lot, but even then, I have enjoyed my extra time. But I think I will be overstaying my welcome; I have been in Diliman for four years and I have to leave.

I am also not particularly fond of the inquisitions as to why I haven't graduated yet. People seem to think something is wrong with me for staying six years in college. I have transferred, hello. But people don't seem to care. They think I'm dumb to have taken this long to finish. Well, I admit to having my stupid foolish moments, but who doesn't have them anyway. But I'm not so dumb as to have flunked my subjects to overstay in the university. As it is, I want to finish the soonest possible time.

Oh well. I'm going to post a rant soon enough. But for today, I want to share the article published in PDI that I wrote. It was published a month ago, wtf, but still.

I miss this blogging. Plus I miss the ranting about the politics in our country. Don't know when I'll be back, but enjoy.

Learn from whom?

2009-01-22T08:50:00.005+08:00

Underclass Hero - Sum 41

I, along with millions of other people around the world, joined in the jubilation at the inauguration of America's 44th President, Barack Obama. I could not contain the amazement at watching history unfold before me, as I sat wide awake watching the ceremonies at midnight here in Manila.

I am rather speechless at this historic moment, and I was tearful at the playing of the American national anthem even though I wasn't American. Simply that this is the time when we begin to see the change in the face of modern politics is already enough to amaze me that I am here to witness it on the other side of the world.

But I come back to my reality, the Filipino reality, and the horror that comes after it when old goats open their mouths.

The headline can already make my stomach hurl. I realize I should not take breakfast before reading the news.

Obama can learn from Arroyo

Let's all use this moment to say a silent prayer for our country the Philippines.

Obama can learn from Arroyo, says Palace official

MANILA, Philippines – The Philippines may be just a Third World country, but US President Barack Obama could learn a lesson or two about governance from President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo, her top aide said Wednesday.

Executive Secretary Eduardo Ermita said while he did not want to think Filipinos were better than anybody else, especially since the political system and environment among countries are different from one another, he thinks Arroyo's assumption of the presidency ahead of Obama gave her enough experience on dealing with challenges that lay ahead.

"First of all, our President is ahead of Obama and probably, I would think that if there's anything to be learned, it should be President Obama learning from President Arroyo. And wouldn't we be proud to say that the Philippines continues to be an 'island of calm' because of the present crunches?" he said, when asked by media what lesson Arroyo could learn from Obama.

Read more here

Being first to arrive in the fray does not make one an expert about the fray. So while Arroyo was first, has she learned enough to make the Philippines a better country than it was before?

I am reminded by what my parents taught me, that while I, being the eldest, should know best as I have been around far longer than my siblings, I am not necessarily the wisest among them, as there are moments when I can learn from them as they can learn from me. It is true that they should learn from me, so I must be able to set the example.

The question begs an answer: has Arroyo been exemplary? (We just hope that this moment of silence means that we are in a prayerful, not blank, state.)

The Philippines remains not an island of calm, but an archipelago in distress. The calm in the countrysides is disrupted by battles for justice and equal rights, battles against poverty and corruption. I cannot help but think that the only calm in this country are the bodies that lie underneath the soil (but their spirits shout for justice), the victims of poverty and injustice and blatant disregard for freedom.

This presidency has not been an exemplary one. The president sits in Malacanang, the people kneel in prayer, and the government lies on just about anything, all while the world stands in to witness it.

Ermita must not have been watching Obama's inauguration address, or his hearing might not have been in check, when Obama said, "To those who cling to power through corruption and deceit and the silencing of dissent, know that you are on the wrong side of history; but that we will extend a hand if you are willing to unclench your fist."

Corruption and deceit, two mighty words that GMA, even with all her education, still does not comprehend. The people do not need to name this very long list of corrupt practices, as it can go on from A to ZTE.

The silencing of dissent and the UN report that says how this government turns a blind eye to the killings of activists, journalists, and the people who fight for truth and freedom. It is in our hope that the silence of their mouths would not silent their truths.

Cling to power. Hello, Garci?

moving up

2009-01-19T14:18:00.003+08:00

So I finally submitted my thesis proposal.

I have to tell you, it feels so awesome.

There is nothing like it in the world, to finally say, OMG, I've done it.

Of course, there is still the data-gathering and data-processing part. Which is bloody, I might add.

But to be able to pass this one hurdle feels so great. After laboring over it for so long I have done it. Yes.

Now, on to the real world.

I have to do my data-gathering, I have to start this week to be able to catch up with everyone. Of course, this part is not as easy, as I can provide a testament to doing the data-analysis and results with my previous experience in research: it is going to be hell.

Hell, bring it on. I'm ready.

no regrets, no apologies

2008-12-23T07:07:00.009+08:00

Sorry Na - Muntinlupa Style

Today's headlines can really kill.

Aquino says sorry to Estrada
Concedes Edsa II a mistake
By Leila Salaverria
Philippine Daily Inquirer
First Posted 00:52:00 12/23/2008

MANILA, Philippines—It was her second mea culpa, but this time former President Corazon Aquino said it in his presence.

Ex-President Joseph Estrada said he felt vindicated.

At the star-studded launch Monday of former Speaker Jose de Venecia’s book that gave accounts of scandals that had hounded President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo, Aquino asked Estrada for forgiveness for joining the Edsa II uprising that ousted him.

“I am one of those who plead guilty for the 2001 (uprising). Lahat naman tayo nagkakamali. Patawarin mo na lang ako (All of us make mistakes. Forgive me),” Aquino said in her brief but well-received remarks at the Podium mall in Ortigas Center, Pasig City.

Read more

By saying that Edsa 2 was a mistake, the fight against corruption in this country has fallen, or thrown down the cliff of politics.

We must remember that we fought in Edsa 2 not simply to depose former President Estrada, but to make a stand that we do not condone corruption, especially when evidence already presents itself to us. We made a stand against corruption and cronyism, two ills of our country that keeps us from progress.

Edsa 2 was a fight, yes, to throw Estrada out of Malacanang, because he is not just the epitome of corruption and cronyism at that time, but because it was our way of saying no to his way of traditional politics. He was convicted out of overwhelming evidence (who can forget Clarissa Ocampo), but eventually pardoned. But his pardon does not erase the fact that he wronged the people by stealing and plundering from the people's money.

This, however, does not say that other officials are not without sins too, just that some are more cunning and scheming than others, and this "some" includes both the current President and the First Gentleman.

The news that Aquino apologized already irked me the first time I read about it before, and I quote myself, again, in an old post:

and what irked me more than what erap said is what cory said to erap. as i recall from what i read, "edsa dos was a big mistake."

what was the mistake in removing a corrupt president from office? what was the mistake of showing outrage at the kind of blatant corruption that goes in his presidency, a conviction of plunder which he still so denies to this day? but more importantly, what is the mistake of the people expressing themselves, going out to the streets to make the administration know that they are no longer taking their crap?

Aquino said that she thought Arroyo to be a better alternative to Estrada, which was why they joined the Edsa 2 rally.

I have news for you, Madame former President: we fought not to put Arroyo in power, but to throw Erap out of Malacanang and his kind of politics. We threw out corruption in Malacanang through Edsa 2, with fervent hope at that time that things will turn out for the better. We knew not then that Arroyo would be just as bad or even worse, but what we did when we took to the streets we were not ashamed of doing, because what we stood for was not simply against the person, but against the very system that runs deep in the heart of our country's governance and politics.

Edsa 1 was fought for democracy. Edsa 2 was fought for good governance. Both virtues of the public have not yet been attained fully by our people, but it was a cry that this was what we wanted, this was what we should strive for.

And I am not sorry at all for Edsa 2, because I am not sorry that this country stood for virtues that our government certainly does not have.

some guys are just plain dense...

2008-12-17T00:52:00.004+08:00

...even when you are already speaking in plain English.

Just a conversation I had on Skype. Read on (edits are mine).

[01:07:48] ahmed: i open cam
[01:08:20] mariel: i'm not interested.
[01:07:48] ahmed: and mic
[01:07:53] … see me
[01:08:00] … plea(se)
[01:09:06] … im ahmed
[01:09:16] … i open my cam
[01:09:27] … im in qater
[01:09:30] … ok(a)y
[01:10:45] mariel: i'm not interested in seeing you on cam or talking. i can chat, but that's it.
[01:11:13] ahmed: see me on cam
[01:11:46] mariel: i don't want to.
[01:12:04] ahmed: open mic
[01:12:18] … and im open cam
[01:12:47] … (heart emoticon)
[01:12:56] mariel: yeah but i'm not at all interested in a video call.
[01:13:27] ahmed: open after im open cam
[01:14:43] mariel: wtf. i just said i'm not interested.
[01:14:52] ahmed: open and wait
[01:15:26] … hi
[01:15:33] … im ahmed
[01:15:43] … y(ou) can open cam
[01:15:51] … i want (to) see y(ou)
[01:16:00] … open cam
[01:16:09] mariel: i don't want to. i just don't want to, can't it be left at that?
[01:16:14] ahmed: hi
[01:16:26] … open cam
[01:16:31] mariel: you can't make me
[01:16:44] ahmed: y(ou) open cam
[01:16:59] … open y(our) cam
[01:17:20] … y(ou) have cam
[01:17:45] … open y(our) cam
[01:18:02] … y(ou) have cam
[01:18:06] … hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
[01:18:12] … (heart emoticon)
[01:18:25] mariel: i just told you i don't want to.
[01:18:26] ahmed: (handshake emoticon)
[01:19:15] … i want see y(our)
[01:19:21] … photo
[01:19:33] … i work in qater
[01:19:52] … y(ou) send one photo

And besides the fact that he called me eight times. Eight effin times. I hung up on six. When I finally answered just to shut him up, I didn't even talk or show my video. I thought, maybe he'll just quit. But wtf, he kept saying and saying "open cam, open cam, open cam" to me. Wtf?!

Guys, you want us girls to speak plainly and not beat around when we want to get something across. But please don't be when we give the straight talk. No means no.

shoes

2008-12-15T06:20:00.002+08:00

Christmas Shoes - Bob Carlysle

I'm posting this beautiful song to remind us that Christmas isn't simply the festivities, but the heart of sharing and family.

Whenever I hear this song it never ceases to bring tears to my eyes.

It is always the simple things that matter in our lives. It's not the gifts, really, but the love of family and friends. The simple joy of the boy in wanting to make his mother beautiful is enough to remind us that it is love that makes the season, and our lives, meaningful.

We are all like the person who has witnessed the boy--we look too much in the unimportant things in our lives that it amazes us to see the simple ones that matter.

We work too much to enjoy the simple things, when we can have the simple things without working too much.

In poverty, the boy still knows what is important to him.

Young children do not really understand much about the world, but they know enough about the world to live in its simplicity and awe-filled splendor. The young boy in the song does not understand that shoes are not really brought to heaven with us, but he still bought his mother a pair of shoes just so she can be pretty even in her deathbed.

It's not about the shoes, but the thought that the boy wanted his mother to be look beautiful in a new pair of shoes when she meets Jesus. The little boy believed that one should be looking his own best when facing the Lord.

When we face Jesus, will we be looking our best?

I hope we look at life, the world, and our loved ones the way the little boy did, as with this innocence comes the boundless view of the world and the ways we can share our lives with others.

soulmates

2008-12-01T10:09:00.003+08:00

Fields Of Gold - Sting

I just can't imagine how we can both be soulmates.

I've always been the straight-laced kind, and work has always been the center of my life. I have to be doing something else I don't feel like myself.

But here he comes, he opened my life into something outside of what I could dream of. Before, I couldn't say what films I like to watch or what music I like to listen to. I never gave myself the chance to evolve my tastes in films, in music, in literature.

When he came into my life, I realized I have preferences in interests too. I never had time to watch movies in the theater before, now I give myself a few hours to watch movies over the internet, just for fun. Heck, I don't even watch television shows just for fun anymore!

Fun has always taken a back seat in my life. I didn't give time for it as much as I should. But whenever I tell myself again that I should not have fun this time, I hear him in my head, "go have fun or I'll kick you in the ass!" Frankly it makes me laugh out loud.

My taste in culture has never really evolved to say that I love this or I adore that. Let's just say I am opening myself up to a lot more than the usual now. While I like films, I have never been the movie pundit that can say a lot about films. My music has always been limited to whatever my sis or bro listens to, but I have this preference for smooth or acoustic jazz as these have always been compatible with my mind set on study or work time.

It's not really that Jeremiah and I are compatible. We're both really different, and even if he says we have a lot in common, we still have our differences. I both love and hate what he has done to my life. I hate it that I am doing things which take away time from doing work, but at the same time I love that he has opened me up to doing these things because I feel like I am broadening my horizon.

My dad hammered into me before that I should always prioritize work before fun, and growing up I realize how much I missed, simply because I tried so hard to be just that. I can't blame my dad for raising me that way, but I simply can't live my life the way I have. It hurts to realize that I have missed a lot because I have always wanted to be the kind of person he is. I am more than what my dad wants me to be.

Jeremiah opened me up to see that I have to rethink how my life is going. I can't miss out on so many things that make life a joyride. I can't have too much of it though, I still hope to rub off my own personality on him.

Maybe because we fit together, we fill in each other what the other lacks, we are really incompatible when one thinks deeply about it, we share values but not opinions... These make us soulmates. Distance doesn't even hinder how we feel. Distance is simply how we wrap the world with what we share.

best friend sarcastic whoopee

2008-11-25T08:34:00.003+08:00

One Friend - Dan Seals

Rice lauds GMA: You are US’ best friend
By Michael Lim Ubac
Philippine Daily Inquirer
First Posted 02:02:00 11/24/2008

LIMA, PERU (via PLDT)—“You are the US’ best friend,” US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice told President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo at their bilateral meeting on the sidelines of the leaders’ meeting of the Asia-Pacific Economic Cooperation (APEC) here.

Read more

Don't you just hate ass-kissers?

PGMA allied with Bush. No wonder they're both unpopular.

stop child pornography

2008-11-24T18:47:00.002+08:00

With respect to the children who are in this but are not even aware of it, I would rather not post about this.

But please, let us fight child pornography.

These sites are posing as art sites, saying that they are not doing anything wrong but post pictures of little girls in bikinis and lingerie doing very suggestive poses.

These sites make it easy for sexual predators to access such pictures, even videos.

It's hideous the way they put up sites like these. It's sick.

A modeling agency does not work like this, if it's a modeling agency for little children.

Stop child pornography, and please, let your voice be heard.

under force and scrutiny

2008-11-20T07:20:00.005+08:00

Teenagers - My Chemical Romance

QC cops want to patrol UP
By Nancy C. Carvajal
Philippine Daily Inquirer
First Posted 04:24am (Mla time) 11/20/2008

MANILA, Philippines – The chief of the Quezon City Police District Wednesday said that policemen should be allowed to patrol the grounds of the University of the Philippines in Diliman, Quezon City, to stop the increasing number of crimes on campus.
Read more

I personally would not let the Philippine National Police into the UP campus.

UP, known for its activism, rallies, and demonstrations, upholds academic freedom and the right to freely express opinions and grievances, especially about and against issues that mostly involves the government. To some degree the UP administration painfully tolerates such actions by the students and the faculty, and all views from right to left are open (but not necessarily accepted).

By letting PNP patrol our campus would hinder our constitutional freedoms, as we will all well be under scrutiny and suspect of the forces assigned to protect us. Having PNP inside the campus would walk on the constitutional rights of the students; everybody will be a suspect. We might as well let them watch us, ID us, and report to intelligence whatever suspicious things they believe to see in us.

I ask: if you are in danger, would you let someone else hold the gun for you? Personally I would rather arm myself than arm someone else, though as a matter of taste I hate guns and the thought of carrying firearms.

Letting PNP forces into the campus is a symbolic action on other state universities and colleges, that if we do it, the PNP will have more reason walk inside other campuses (UP let us, why won't you?).

It does not help either that PNP and the military forces are suspect in the kidnappings (and possibly even killings) of student activists of different state colleges and universities, not just UP. We should not let our guard down especially during this regime of an illegitimate president that blinds herself that no human rights are trampled on in the disappearances and deaths of activists, journalists, and rights advocates.

PNP is under and controlled by the government that we students are very critical of, so much that in voicing opinions students take the fight to the streets. We have seen what the PNP can and does during demonstrations in the metro; one can only imagine what they will do once they try to "secure" UP during rallies (which are generally loud but still peaceful, as nobody gets harmed anyway, except egos at least, of those being criticized).

Should police forces trample on UP students' rights, our pleas for justice will fall on deaf (and undeniably stupid) ears--the justice department being controlled by none other than the puppet who does not understand the concept of freedom.

So let us not put ourselves into those situations where we can be held under scrutiny and force by the Philippine National Police.

Increasing number of crimes within campus is not reason enough to let the PNP loose into our grounds. What we need to do is to reinforce our own police and equip them enough to fight the crime happening within the campus.

play me Manila

2008-11-16T12:49:00.002+08:00

Manila - Hotdogs

Playtime is nearly over for me. I need to walk back on reality and focus on getting work done. Real work, not just pretend work.

I'm sharing one of my favorite songs. Manila sounds of the 70s. I need a getter-upper, and having been feeling melancholy and nostalgic at throwing away so much of my stuff, I need to dance! Haha.

Yes, funk, plus a bit of Manila's disco. I tend to believe I am an old soul, and I should have been born a martial law baby. But then, perks of being an Edsa baby are endless too. Possibilities of technology that martial law kids couldn't event imagine when Pacman and Voltes V came out.

Okay, I'm blabbering.

I love this song. Reminds me of old school Manila. When I move to different city, my heart will always be with this metro. Manila is like a first love, you always remember why you fell, even when you realize that the person wasn't so great after all.

I need to go out. Manila I want to have fun tonight!

emptiness

2008-11-14T14:40:00.003+08:00

Evening Falls - Enya

I am currently cleaning out my room, my shelves, and our library at home. I am clearing out the space to make more space, for the future, perhaps. Readings, papers, reports, hand outs, reviews, every memorabilia of the one time I spent trying to cram knowledge into my brain.

It's a wonder that my past four years in Diliman equates to one box of trash.

I have difficulty letting go of them. I can't believe that I spent the past few years accumulating what I have accumulated, and still feel empty.

Empty.

It may be that my mind is still empty, even after all those years of studying.

Or that my heart just isn't into it.

Has my life become as meaningless as piles of garbage I have stored over the years?

Forgive me for my nostalgia. I look back at what I was before, and with disdain I look now at what I am. I do not think this is the kind of me I should be, I believe I could have done a lot more or been a lot different than what I do or am now.

I look back and realize how much enthusiasm I put into studying, but gradually it wilted away into emptiness. I go to class half-heartedly, sometimes without even a heart at all.

So now that I'm living my academic life, I'm living it for what? I need a purpose, a light, somehow.

I feel as if I walked astray. I want to walk back home to myself.

smile

2008-11-10T12:17:00.004+08:00

She could be - Christian Bautista

I'm flattered.

Some guy who was hitting on me called me Miss Lightning Smile.

*smiles bashfully*

It made my Monday. Hopefully it carries over through the week.

And I remember my tiger telling me that he can think of a million reasons why he likes my smile, staring with it's mine. Awww.

And I will keep the name. Haha.

adventure!

2008-11-10T08:32:00.009+08:00

Dont Worry Baby - Beach Boys

I find myself getting cooped up too much inside the house. My life revolves around UP and the home.

I need a new adventure. I would love to go beach camping (even during this cold season!) and learn wakeboarding. I'm thinking the beaches of Aurora or Quezon, somewhere in the northeast beaches. I would love to surf the Pacific! (It's always the South China Sea... I miss the Pacific...)

I want to camp on the beach and wake up to a Pacific rising sun.

Hmm. I don't know where or when I can go, though. But with a 6-unit class schedule and free days limited to our organization and to my thesis, I think I can squeeze in a beach road trip and relax for one weekend at least. I need to see the sun and feel the sand. I need surf and swim. Lie on the sand with summer tunes like the Beach Boys on the player, ah, bliss.

I love summers. I miss summers, even if they are so hot and humid. Gives me more excuses to shed clothes and go to the beach.

I need to get away from this place. I need something where I don't need to think. Being ass-burned-out doesn't help any in my responsibilities in my academics and extra-curriculars. I think the beach may be just what I need to feel refreshed.

what Filipinos can learn from Obama's message and victory

2008-11-09T10:02:00.006+08:00

Everyone around the world has witnessed the historic elections in the United States that won Barack Obama the presidency by a landslide. It was not simply his story and his background and his story that made his victory remarkable, but more importantly the message that he preaches. This is a time when we Filipinos can learn from his message of hope and change, because this time more than ever do we need this hope and change.

Barack Obama hinged his message on the fundamental values of the society. What he brings us is not a change in ideology, but a look back to our basic values within the family and the community.

What is also remarkable with his message is his collectivist idea of a society. He believes that it is not just the government that must do all the work, nor is it just the people who should sacrifice blood and sweat. He believes that government must do its part in providing what the people need to those who have worked hard and earned it, and the people must not expect the government to provide each and every need of the public. We cannot have a dole-out system, but we also cannot have a corrupt government.

His message on education is simple: provide quality education by the government. But it does not stop there. He reiterates that it is not the government that turns off the television sets or puts away the video games, but the parents. It is the parents' role that their children go to school and do their homework, that they are guided everyday, where the parents can work hand-in-hand with educators in providing quality education for the children and their future.

His message on health care is simple: provide quality health care by the government. This means the government should fund health care coverage, lower taxes on medicines, research in cure, and more importantly, invest in prevention. Even then, while health care coverage is important, it us up to the families that they invest in prevention by eating right and balancing their diet. It is not the government that will stop people from smoking cigarettes or drinking alcohol, or keep children from eating junk food. The government and the public can work hand-in-hand in keeping citizens healthy and in-shape.

His message on economy and taxes is simple: spread the wealth around. The government must make sure that taxes are collected justly and completely not just from the middle class and poor, but from the rich as well. Through this, the poor and middle class will be able to spend more on what they need and thus stimulating consumption in the economy. The government, too, must invest in its small and medium enterprises, where the poor and middle class are encouraged to innovate. More jobs, too, are created through SMEs, that we become not simply a country of labor export, but more importantly a country of enterprise.

His view is starkly different from the basic ideas of an individualistic society that is almost edging on the dog-eat-dog world (or in our case, crab mentality). He brings a message of unity, that society is made up of a social contract where individuals each have their own role but are willing to entrust their own liberties onto others, and together they progress as a society.

He believes that everyone must do their part so that society can progress. Post-Edsa democracy has not taken us anywhere near that progress, but it is always not too late. There is still hope for a nation, as long as we all do our part. This means not taking more than what we need and should, and giving to the best of our abilities. Karl Marx said thus, "from each according to his own ability, to each according to his own need."

In times like these we need to be together and unite against the difficulties and challenges. Our government is marred with scams and scandals amounting to billions of pesos; Barack Obama's message is a reminder to our public officials to use only their power for the good of the many and not in their own selfish agendas. His message is a reminder to the general public that we also must do our part, give what we can, and not selfishly keep to our own and distrust everyone around us.

Obama's victory in the US presidential elections reminds us that there is still hope for change, we only have to be ready, take on our roles, give what we can, and unite as a nation

security

2008-11-07T05:44:00.005+08:00

Helplessly Hoping - Crosby, Stills, Nash, & Young

I am extremely grateful for my tiger telling my ex to go away. I haven't tried anything much to keep him away, I just told him to leave me alone and to respect me enough to try not to contact me.

But he's still there. Sometimes I ignore it, but so many times it annoys me. It gets to me more than I would want to.

I was scared of what my tiger told him. But if it had to be done for it to stop, then so be it.

He has this way of protecting me, being the tough guy (as what he says, it's like those honey-go-wait-in-the-car moments because I probably don't want to witness it). But to me he's unbelievably tender and sweet. Quite frankly I haven't met someone who is as sweet as him.

With him I find what I want most in a man: security and commitment. Every guy can be passionate or romantic depending on how they show it, but he is someone I feel secure in, and someone who wants to be in the long run with me.

I sung my tiger to sleep last night. It felt magical, in a way, to be together but still not be together. If we are like this now, I wonder how we will be in several months. We would go crazy.

Everyday I fall more and more in love with him, if it is possible to happen.

I love you Jeremiah. Everyday is a day less until we will finally be together. Till then, I am here waiting.

hungry for fundamental change

2008-11-06T06:12:00.000+08:00

From Inquirer.net:

RP 5th in world hunger survey

First posted 04:47:26 (Mla time) November 05, 2008
Philippine Daily Inquirer

MANILA, Philippines—The Philippines ranks No. 5 in the world when it comes to citizens who have had “little or no food at all” in the past year, a global survey on hunger said.

Gallup International asked over 58,000 people from 55 countries this question: “Have there been times in the last 12 months when you and/or your family have not had enough to eat?”

Gallup, a Zurich-based international group, conducted the interviews between June and September for its World Food Survey.

Four in 10 Filipinos or 40 percent said they “often or sometimes” lacked food in the past year, according to Gallup International-Voice of the People 2008.

continue reading

It struck me that in a country where three of our richest businessmen (need I mention? Tan, Ayala, and Sy) make it to the the Forbes list of richest dollar-billionaires in the world, 2 out of 5 Filipinos are hungry. The graph of social and economic hierarchy in our country is one with the top getting higher and higher and the bottom wider and wider.

This is why the PNP euro-carrying police case and the Bolante fertilizer scam irks the hell out of us ordinary citizens. Programs that should help drive the poor out of poverty are being milked by crooks, and short-term solutions will only get us through till the next elections, if the politicians are lucky enough that we don't find any corruption in it.

Just think: the 728-million-peso fertilizer scam would already feed 9.71 million Filipinos for a day, if we give them a 25-peso meal three times a day. According to August 2007 figures, there are 11.6 million Filipinos in Metro Manila. With that amount, you can feed 84% of Metro Manila's population, which is roughly the current poverty level (pegged at 80 percent).

This only factors in the fertilizer scam. The NBN-ZTE scandal is another matter to be discussed (in which case, what had happened to the star witness Lozada?). And this is not only issues within one administration. Every year we get something explosive for corruption in every administration. Need I mention former president Estrada's Boracay mansion?

In a larger perspective, these scandals undermine the Filipinos' rights to live comfortably in their own country. Nay, they seek survival not comfort. One can just imagine how miserable it is to be a Filipino, but yet we still strive from day to day, with hope for a better life and a better future. Many parents believe that if they can't have a better life, at least their children will. We need to provide them with opportunities that come with hope, that doors and windows are open for the millions of Filipinos.

We need a revolutionary change, a structural change, in our society. We need a change in ideology, and end the elite political government that will eventually starve the people to death unless we do something about it.

It is with hope that we do our part in nation-building. The first step is to demolish the old constructs and create a strong foundation for our country to build on.

a leader, a beacon of hope

2008-11-06T05:55:00.000+08:00

I was ecstatic at the thought: President Barack Obama.

From my excitement people would think I had voted too, but I'm not American.

I am glad with the idea that with the election of Obama, America has come to its senses. As what the president-elect said in his acceptance speech, this is the dawn of new American leadership.

It's cool to be American again, and in our eyes as foreigners we see that the essence of being American is restored as well as its good relations with other contries. Everyone I know is happy with the results of the election. We followed the news faithfully, and felt anticipation at the announcing of his win. We had goosebumps upon watching his speech.

And my faith in democracy and America is restored.

I still hope that one day we may have the kind of leader who will step up just like Obama. I know he's not messianic, and no leader will be able to cure the ills of the Filipino society. But we need a leader who says no to traditional politics here. We need a leader who will listen to the people and provide the basic needs of citizens. We need a leader who will uphold our rights, but still have the initiative to ask of us our responsibilities. We need a leader who will look forward to the future, not downward to his pockets. We need a leader who will unite the nation.

Obama's election shone a beacon of hope for us, that even here in a poverty-stricken Philippines, we might be able to find someone who's story is just like any other ordinary Filipino citizen, but with enough leadership to take us to a new era in Philippine history.

the hope for change

2008-11-05T06:03:00.000+08:00

This moved me to tears.

Everywhere there is hope. It begins with one vote and one voice.

horrible

2008-11-02T22:55:00.000+08:00

I find that the haven I went to did worse for me than it should. So many skeletons still getting unearthed.

I had a lousy week. I realize whenever I'm here why I hate this place.

Too many things being talked about, issues within and outside the family that should be kept where they were before: in the past. Doubt, hatred, fear, annoyance. Just some of the feelings I've been getting in this place.

I often wonder how it is that someone could be so selfish and so full of hate that anyone would not be spared from the wrath of her tongue and the pain of her words. How is it that someone can be this way?

I've lived in this place during my childhood and too often it haunts me. I think it's not the house, really, but the people who live in it. A particular one at the very least.

I am not an emotional mess as I have dealt with these things before, and mostly I turned out fine, thanks to my parents. I have been told to be careful not to be like her, and it's quite difficult when it comes natural. But seeing her that way makes me rethink the things I do and the way I look at others. It's not so easy to echo my parents. I feel as if her character is what my parents are trying to mold and take out of me.

I need a breather.

Having old ghosts brought up again can make for a horrible experience.

pain

2008-10-31T10:24:00.000+08:00

Everyday that I don't get to talk to him, even for just a little while, is painful.

This is the only thing I have, the only thing I hold on to, those moments when we talk.

Each day it makes me wonder if I really can go through waiting, through testing patience, and still have enough of the feeling to make it last.

Every moment I try to hold on to the connection, but every moment we aren't together is painful.

I'm afraid to lose our connection with time. I'm holding on as long as he wants me to.

leaving to work

2008-10-27T01:17:00.000+08:00

I need a two-week break. No cable TV or internet. Or siblings.

I seem to forget the urge to get down to business and work whenever I stay in this house. I'm too pampered in this place; I don't even need to do chores.

I'm going to a place where I can work quietly and peacefully--even if that takes an indefinite period of time. I have just finished packing my books, notes, and a few other work things.

I need deadlines. I need the pressure. I work better under pressure.

Hopefully when I get back I'm at least 80% finished with all I have to accomplish.

This means, no more movie marathons.

Paalam, but I wish to be back for that Halloween party.

business in Moscow?

2008-10-25T13:27:00.000+08:00

Something is fishy with how PNP Director General Jesus Versoza explained the 105,000 euros (6.9 million in pesos) "cash advance" held by Retired Comptroller Eliseo de la Paz.

He said, "The funds are intended for possible purchase of intelligence equipment and similar products."

Oh, now, isn't this an illegal way of procuring government intelligence equipment?

What is fishy with this set up is that the money is in liquidated cash. Not simply in pesos, but in Euros. Why bring money in large amounts of cash, if it is to be used for the procurement of intelligence equipment? Procurement of such equipment isn't like shopping in a mall where you bring cash and look around stores. Spy gear boutiques? I think not, especially for the national fucking police.

Cash is virtually untraceable when brought out into the market, when it exchanges hands it cannot be found that easily. So it brings us to question why the PNP has to liquidate such amount. What is the purpose of cashing 105,000 euros?

What I think is supposed to be the plan here is to liquidate the money, also from a fishy source, and use or distribute such amount in cash as it will be rendered untraceable. To deposit that amount, the money will leave a paper trail, and the PNP or the sources of the funds don't want that.

I'd like to know where this money came from, and why that money is in Moscow and St. Petersburg, of all places. The PNP is doing business abroad, and with whom?

Earlier it was reported by Interior Secretary Ronaldo Puno that it was to be used as a "contingency fund," but why a contingency fund thrice larger than the budget itself? In my own experience, contingency funds are usually simply half the budget. If this is the case anyway, I thought our government is trying to be frugal and penny-pinching funds?

It's even fishier that de la Paz skipped the Senate hearings into the case even with the subpoena. People who don't have anything to hide don't have to hide.

With the current Senate hearings, I'd like to know: why is de la Paz holding such an amount, why is that amount in cash, what intelligence equipment and where are they planning to buy such, why the money is in the hands of a retired police comptroller, why a contingency fund larger than the budget itself, among others. Each day that this issue is unraveling tells us how dirty this administration is.

hope

2008-10-24T17:04:00.000+08:00

"Remember Red, hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies."
- Andy Dufresne, The Shawshank Redemption

It is one of the best things to live for, hope. It carries you through each day, even when all else seems lost.

Nothing is lost, not one bit now. Each day it does seem impossible, but not entirely so.

Everyday I carry with me the love I have for someone whose distance I cannot imagine, whose suns rise while my moons shine. And everyday I carry with it hope, that we will be with each other, no matter how impossible it is now.

I still cannot believe I am in love with a man, connected to him somehow, and he is as far from me as he could be. Sometimes I want to believe this is real, that there really is someone who loves me as much as I love him, who wishes for a future with me. I think he may be a fairy tale; I have never touched his face, only his image. But I have faith in the good things, and love is one of them.

Distance and time is nothing now to me. Dum spiro spero.

I have faith that the right time will come for the both of us. I have hope, each moment, when my heart will finally be free because you have me.

Hope carries my heart over to you, that you may find me one day. And when you do, I will be there to welcome you with open arms, and a heart that is yours to keep.

chill

2008-10-22T08:07:00.000+08:00

It's beginning to be a bit more routine now, me and him. It's been how long? I've met him in the first few days of September. In a little more than a week it will be November. Time flies quickly when you're having fun.

I can't help but think that had this been a real-time relationship we would not have been moving as fast as we are now. Usually the first couple of months is meant for the getting-to-know-each-other, and things get pretty serious in the third or fourth month. But it feels like we've crammed too much into a small space of time that now we're in the cruising phase, it's just chill because we know how we stand in each other's lives.

Honestly, I'm scared of what this might become, because we might not be able to meet each others' expectations. It is inevitable that each day there will be more and more expectations, and it will be a high road for each of us individually.

I'm afraid of moving. My roots are planted quite firmly on this ground, and I'm afraid to be out on my own again. I've been independent before in Los Banos, but that was different. It was still essentially the same culture I've known, however underground so many things are. I am a strong woman and I can be out on my own, but that doesn't mean I will not have my fears.

It's difficult; this is the first time I've been in this kind of relationship. I treasure him, I want to be with him, but it scares me. What if my parents would not want me to go? What if I invest so much of my emotions into this and into him and it does not turn out the way I had wanted and planned it?

I had freaked out at the circumstances he has found himself in, because I realized that while I know him so much, I don't know how he is with the people in his life. Shouldn't he be scared too, of who I am with the people in my life? This is like we have our own secured box where we jump into whenever we talk, and we know each other only within that box. Outside, we are still different individuals who have relationships with others and have different situations that we can't fully understand unless we be there to witness it.

I want this to happen. I am happy now, but will that change when I get to where I want to be?

Anxiety is always healthy before jumping into things, right?

yardsticks measure length, not weight

2008-10-20T17:35:00.000+08:00

When has it ever been that a different religious affiliation be a reason for hate?

I cannot believe how much hate people have for Muslims. I've met people who are Muslims, and while I cannot generalize all, they are not as bad as people would think they are. They live lives just like I do. They have families and businesses, and they have as much right to live in this world like we all do.

I couldn't believe the hate that comes from people I know, Christians even, when the word of God has been a message of hope. When has Jesus Christ turned down a Gentile from wanting to see him? We are not Christ to keep away from people who are different from us; he has shown us that we must always "love thy neighbor", even if this means embracing all differences of all races and religions. He has crossed the bounds when he dined with sinners, Gentiles, and tax collectors. Who are we when we are Christians but do not follow Christ's example?

Which is why I couldn't believe an email I received condemning Barack Obama for having Muslim roots. He was raised a Christian, but even then, even if he did have a Muslim for a father, does it lessen his worth as a person and as a leader?

We measure a man by his ideals and his hope of wanting to give a better life to all. Yardsticks are supposed to be yardsticks, and a yard is never shorter than another if it is of a different color or of a different texture.

I stand by the belief that some Christians are just as evil as some Muslims. It is not our job to color crimes through religion, but crimes ought to be persecuted for what these crimes are. Murder is murder, terror is terror, no matter what religion one comes from.

We sow messages of hate when we differentiate a man for his religious belief. We should educate the people from both sides of the fence to embrace diversity and to respect one another.

It is said that one man's terrorist is another's freedom fighter. We should always realize that when we look from the other side of the fence, the world seems to be completely different but still the same.

Obama and the basic ideas of socialism

2008-10-18T08:07:00.000+08:00

Overheard:

Accusing a Democrat of wanting to practice "socialism" is a bit strong for a Republican presidential or vice presidential candidate. The base would love to hear it -- it's one of their favorite words to describe Obama -- but no Republican campaign operative would want their candidate to go there.

But McCain operatives may have found a way to get that loaded phrase out there without actually having either McCain and Palin be responsible for making the accusation.

Naturally, Joe the Plumber has come to the rescue again.

Said Palin today at a rally in Ohio: "Joe suggested that sounded a little bit like socialism. Whatever you call it, I call it bad medicine for an ailing economy."
-Jonathan Martin @ Politico.com

When Obama, during the last presidential debate, was talking about "spread the wealth," he wasn't talking about talking away money from the middle class and giving it to the poor. He was talking about raising taxes of the largest businesses and corporations and the richest Americans, but all the while keeping 95 percent of Americans' taxes the same. When he said to "spread the wealth," he would do it by taking money from those who have accumulated it most during the eight years of Bush administration and decades of deregulation and redistributing that wealth around to the middle class.

That also means redefining other programs, not just economic, but also health and education as well. Because in this kind of system, whatever taxes taken from the large businesses and corporations will be spread around through better education and health coverage, which also means for the middle class less money to pay for them.

With a health coverage that will be shouldered mostly by the government, the middle class would be able to use their income on other things besides health insurance (and with an economy that is based on middle class spending, isn't this a good thing?)

This also goes for energy, where Obama is pushing for research and development of alternative energy that will lessen America's need for foreign oil, and which means for the middle class less to pay for energy consumption. Since a large part of oil is being imported, it would be better for the economy to have alternative energy that is inhoused in America (and better for the environment too). It's a basic tenet that instead of making other countries richer by importing their resources, it would be best to make your own (Wasn't it Marx who said that, give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you miss a good business opportunity. America, other countries will miss a good business opportunity with you.)

On a sidetrack, with the policies Obama has on education, more Americans will be able to finish college (his policy is more like a study-now-pay-later basis, and community work is also a form of payment of college education). Instead of paying for college in the amount it is now, he provides for spending for education (also from the taxes collected from large businesses) and people can work for it through military service, peace corps, or community service. I haven't heard McCain's policies (if there are) on early childhood education, where the basics are formed and is crucial in building a good education in the future. Obama provides for that, plus teacher incentives too. (A candidate with a reform of the educational system is always a winner to me.)

To "spread the wealth" is just a matter of moving around the government's priorities of spending and budgeting, because if you spend on the middle class, they will be more able to purchase and consume other things, which is essentially the base of a capitalist society.

I've been watching the US elections and it's stupid that Palin doesn't understand this kind of "socialist" thinking. She's a nutcase. How is it ever bad for an ailing economy to spread the wealth from those who have accumulated it unfairly to the middle class who have worked for it so much?

Wake up America. A true leader is in your midst.

kalayaan sa kaalaman

2008-10-17T11:39:00.000+08:00

Ilang ulit na nating narinig ang kataga ni Gat Jose Rizal na ang kabataan ang pag-asa ng bayan. Matapos ang mahigit isang-daang taon ay lugmok pa rin ang bayan at ang pag-asa nito.

Malayo ang mararating ng ating bayan kung ang ating kabataan lamang ay mamumulat sa katotohanan ng ating lipunan, at matutunan sa murang kaisipan ang kahalagahan ng kanilang pagiging mamamayan at ang kahulugan ng pagsisilbi sa bayan. Kung naisasapuso lamang nila ang ito, malayo ang mararating ng ating lahi at lipunan.

Ngunit hindi ito ang kasalukuyang pangyayari sa ating bayan. Nag-aaral ang mga kabataan hindi para mamulat, kundi para ipalago pang muli ang dati nang kaalaman at kaisipan. Ang mga kurikulum sa paaralan, pati na rin ang ideolohiyang pinapalaganap sa mga institusyong tulad ng pamilya, simbahan, at midya, ay hindi nababago at nasasara lamang sa lumang mapagpaniil na kaisipang kolonyal. Iikot lamang ang mga henerasyon at hindi ito magbabago hangga’t tayo’y hindi gumagawa ng paraan. At nangangailangan magsimula tayo ng bagong pananaw at paraan ngayon pa lamang.

Pagbabasa, pagsusulat, at pagbibilang. Mga layunin ng ating edukasyon ngayon. Mula sa mababa hanggang sa mataas na paaralan, iniukit sa ating isip na ang ating pag-aaral ay para matutunan ang pag-inog ng mundong ating ginagalawan. Pag tapak ng kolehiyo tayo’y nag-aaral para makapagtrabaho. Ganito na lamang ba ang layunin natin, na maghanap-buhay lamang, o maging tunay na taong-yaman?

Ang taong-yaman ay mulat sa katotohanan ng lipunan, bukas ang kanyang isipan sa pagkagustong gumawa ng mabuti para sa bayan. Matindi ang kanyang pagkilala ng kanyang sariling lahi, at hindi siya nagpapatapak ng dayuhan sa kanyang katauhan at kasaysaysan.

Kailangang mamulat tayo na ang mga layunin natin sa kaalaman at masyadong lantay at hindi maaaring makapagbukas ng isip at diwa ng kabataan at ng bayan. Hindi dapat nasasarado lamang ang edukasyon sa pamomroblema kung paano at ano ang ituturo sa kabataan. Ika nga, kung nailapat natin ang tamang layunin, mas madali na ang magmapa ng paraang makarating doon.

Ang dapat na itanong natin ngayon ay kung ano ang nakikita nating pagbabago sa lipunan sa pagtatapos ng kabataan sa kanilang edukasyon at ano ang gampanin ng kabataan sa pagbabangong-dangal ng lipunan.

Ibahagi natin sa mga kabataan ang kalidad ng edukasyong nararapat sa kanila. Iwasto natin ang mga pagkukulang sa kanilang pag-aaral. Ilapit natin sa kanila ang edukasyon, kung saan abot-kamay nila ang pag-asa ng kinabukasan. Hindi lamang ang mga guro, kundi pati na rin ang mga magulang ay dapat makibahagi sa edukasyon kung sila rin naman ay makikinabang sa kinabukasan. Baguhin natin ang ating pananaw sa edukasyon, dahil hindi ito ginagamit lang sa pag-aaral tungkol sa ingles, sa agham, at sa matematika, kundi lalo na tungkol sa kasaysayan at sa pagkamamamayang Filipino.

Hindi nagwawakas ang edukasyon sa pagtatapos ng mag-aaral, datapwa’t sila pa nga’y dapat maghangad na matutunan pa ang kailangan nila upang maging maunlad ang ating bayan, ang ating lipunan, at ang ating lahi.

too close, a little too close

2008-10-14T12:29:00.000+08:00

The nerve of Sarah Palin to accuse Barack Obama of being anti-American, racist, and a terrorist.

This side of the campaign has been telling people that they are who they are with. Obama has been known to be neighbors with Bill Ayers, domestic terrorist, and it has been said that Obama's political career was launched in Ayers' living room. There's also Obama's pastor Jeremy Wright who has launched a racist attack quite a while back. By association, she implies that Obama is also racist and a terrorist. Plus that he is anti-American, which is unfounded.

Accusations of which Sarah Palin wishes to open to America. Oh, okay, let us use that case: you are who you ~~associate~~ sleep with.

Let us now then question the person closest to the lipstick-wearing pitbull herself, Todd Palin, her husband.

Todd Palin is a member for seven years of the Alaskan Independence Party which, at first establishment, sought the secession of the state of Alaska from America. Some members are currently disputing whether to join Canada, or to become part of a Western Canadian State. Isn't Canada a different country from America? Joe Vogler, founder of the party, has been quoted many times as saying, "I'm an Alaskan, not an American. I've got no use for America or her damned institutions."

Who is anti-America now?

rainy days in october

2008-10-14T08:07:00.000+08:00

I realize now how sad I am that my blockmates are graduating and leaving the college, while I am here and I chose to stay.

This October I could be graduating. But last February I made the decision not to. I don't believe in regrets, but this decision does not come without burden too.

In my desire to do something great for our org, I have decided to stick it out. I am happy with what I did, as we are accomplishing so much now that it's overwhelming to me.

Still, the people whom I have shared most of my college life with are leaving, are going away and moving on to the next step in their lives. When they graduate I would be technically the oldest undergraduate next semester. Haha. And lower batches would most likely look to me for academic answers. While I know my comm res, I still feel unqualified to be teaching anyone.

I will miss my blockmates. We used to share afternoons mulling over how we will be able to finish our papers. It was just last year that we were taking our 165 with our PRSP, where we had to pass a complete research paper three days after submitting our competition paper. I couldn't believe I passed through that semester, with all its hell days and sleepless nights. But mostly I may have passed through it because I had my blockmates to share that semester with. Times may be rough, but when you have great people to share it with, any place in hell may just be a walk in the park.

my brother's keeper

2008-10-12T23:40:00.000+08:00

My brother treats me like shit.

No, it's not the youngest. At least even if this kid is naughty at times, he can be extremely nice too. Plus I believe he listens to me. Mark is like a thirteen-year-old who thinks like a seventeen-year-old. We have this love-hate relationship, but I like to think that he likes me as much as I like him.

My other brother pushes me farther and farther away from his life. I hate him the way he does it to me. Each time he does this it makes me wonder how I would ever be the big sister that everyone looks up to, or at least a person that's nice enough to be lovable.

Everyday he makes me feel as if he's constantly saying, "get out of my face" without even uttering a word. I ask him for something and it'd be him almost saying fuck off.

Everyday makes it harder for me to show affection as a sister. It hurts, not just because I'm the eldest, but also because I don't know how to ever make this right. We used to be okay, but eventually I could feel the strains. I think it's too late to ever mend it, because if it wasn't this wouldn't hurt so bad.

For whatever things I've done in the past, will it be hard to get over them and start over? Is it really that difficult to get along with me? How hard is it to forgive me for each hurt I caused? Moreover, have each of those faults created so much of a rift that makes it impossible to bridge the divide?

Each day is a new day, I believe, a new beginning with every person in my life. I've been trying to get out of his way as much as I can, but also trying so hard to show affection for him without pushing myself too hard in his life. For everything he's done to me, I really could not do anything about them, but I try to work around them and think that he's really great deep inside.

But every time he does this, I get the feeling that he won't ever want anything to do with me anymore. He's just putting up with me because I'm his sister, because we live under the same roof. Otherwise he won't.

Maybe I'm just not that person one would like to be close to, to be intimate with. Maybe I'm just that, difficult to be with. Maybe if I were someone else I would push myself away too.

This makes me feel that it's difficult to love me. If my brother can't even love me, who else would?

it's funny. no it's not.

2008-10-04T21:33:00.000+08:00

It's funny how I always complain about so many things to finish when I take the last minute to start them.

It's funny how I barely get away with things that I wonder how in the hell I'm still here.

It's funny how I fumble through college life but still seem like I'm having fun. I'm not, or at least some of the time.

It's funny how I am blogging now and wasting my time now. But I'm not. Am I?

It's funny how I keep on thinking about a significant someone now and getting myself distracted.

I need coffee. Plus a light.

sisterhood of the traveling smarty-pants

2008-10-04T03:36:00.000+08:00

Today (or more accurately yesterday, as it is already nearing dawn), we had a bull session in our Psych class. It was kind of our integration day, last day as it is before the finals. We had a few exercises to jog us around a bit.

So, with papers taped to our backs we wrote what we thought of each classmate. I liked this exercise, particularly because it gives me a new perspective of myself, when I look at myself in the point of view of others.

My classmates don't really know me as well as my friends do, but what and who I am to them makes me think as how I am with other people who are not truly close to me. And I was happy with what they thought of me.

They put in smart, opinionated, intellectual, among others that describe me. I didn't initially want to come off as an ass or cocky, but when people think you are smart you tend to like their perspective of you and eventually think that maybe this is what you really are.

I don't really subscribe to that idea that I'm smarter than others, just smart is okay with me. I tend to think of other people as having quite different ideas and concepts that amaze me, so I think they really are rather smart too. I've become flabbergasted with others who present ideas that make me think twice about my own. So I'm not really smart, just that I surround myself with smart people.

But I appreciate my classmates for giving me a fresh perspective of myself. I'll miss that class, as I've learned not simply from theories and concepts from the actual science, but more from the ideas and musings of others and how these can be applied to their lives.

keeping up with US presidential elections

2008-09-30T06:09:00.000+08:00

I support Barack Obama. Hell with Americans who don't see that he's the smarter one over McCain.

I've been following the US elections since late last year, and I can't contain the excitement (and frustration) it has brought since I've been going over it. The political arena is still as it is; I could only drool at how people talk about issues and stuff. Here it's a popularity contest. The best way for us to select a president in 2010? Put them all in Big Brother's house and the Big Winner gets to be Prez. At least we can watch them when we know our trapos to be sneaky.

I can't understand the racial discrimination that Obama has been getting. It's just too unreal that people are blinded by race when clearly he is the more eloquent, more charismatic, and has the better policies on economics, education, and health. Plus foreign policies where McCain is no doubt well-versed in.

Obama has clear-cut policies on education, even starting from early childhood. His health coverage is much better than McCain. You can't go forever on into the Reaganist doctrine of deregulate, deregulate, deregulate; look at the Philippine example, for one thing. Large corporations will eventually eat up the small ones in this kind of example.

I agree that McCain is out of touch. The Palin pick is one such example. I can't even start to identify each and every point of argument. One thing, he doesn't understand the middle and working class. Two, he just only realized (just the past week, goddamn) that the US economy isn't going well. Plus why'd you want a president who's a liar? We've had enough of that here, look at us at least, and see for yourself.

I'd like to pound in more keys to tell why I love Obama, but that would be for another time. Consider this my introductory write-up. Haha.

e.g. to expose oneself, to be open

2008-09-30T01:45:00.000+08:00

It's easy to get hurt once you've given yourself to being vulnerable to someone. Especially if that someone is 7000 miles away, and you don't know where you stand, or even how you know the person, if you know him well enough. Just that you've fallen for him and know you want him awfully is enough to be vulnerable.

I'm again hoping this will not turn out the way others did, or as badly as the other one did. I hate getting into something serious, me feeling really happy and giddy but then not getting that back from my significant other. I'm not looking to play around; I don't have time for games.

No, I take it back. I go always for something serious, but going for it means also expecting it back, which usually turns out not in the way I want it to.

I am deeply afraid of getting hurt again. I am scared that I will not be able to withstand another storm if another storm comes. I am open to being vulnerable, but hopefully only to the right person. But how will I know?

As my mother tells me, I think too much. I go too much into rationalizing every aspect of it until it crumbles down to simply not measuring up. Can you blame me? I'm not one to go for my feelings if I know they aren't true anyway. So when I want to be calculated, so be it; it may just lessen the hurt I get most of the time.

On the other side of the fence, though, my friends keep telling me I'm smiling too much lately (too much means more than all the time, as I'm known to always be sunny). I hope this means something good.

sundays aren't what they used to be

2008-09-28T13:29:00.000+08:00

Lately I've been getting a feeling of dread hovering above me, which is unusual since I'm known to be overly optimistic.

I can't comprehend the feeling, though I can relate to it, as I've been getting swingy--from extremely elated to mildy depressed in just about as quick as a snap of a finger.

I'm afraid, as the semester is nearing its end, and I still have lots to accomplish. I'm dreadful of the notion of not being able to do anything. Not just doing badly, but not doing anything at all. Do you get it? I don't. It's confusing.

I'm getting jetlagged but mostly it's because of my own choice. I sleep through the morning and get pepped up in the evenings, and I can't get over it.

It doesn't sound anything that I would do, but it also sounds like me getting ass-burned-out. I've been eating more than the usual too, and I'm gaining weight. I should watch what I eat lest I become a cow. This means something. But I don't know what.

When my head does get cleared enough for me to write what I've been feeling, I will. Or won't, as by that time I'll be the usual self that goes through the pains of everyday cheerfully smiling and not thinking of anything else but getting it done but still not writing about it. When I don't write it means I'm okay, I'm fine, I'm happy.

What's iffy in this is that the need to write only comes over me when I'm a bit bothered by something, when I'm terribly unsound, when I feel swingy or confused, or when I'm burned out. It's creepy to think I can't come up with anything good or worthwhile when I'm happy, because my head gets into silver-lined clouds and it fogs my own vision and makes me less creative than I really am.

When I do get something done, it's something I've labored over and over in my head before even starting it. It's neurotic. I have to argue with myself in my head before even standing up to do it.

I'm thinking if I should go to bed and get some rest or sit down at my desk and study. The first one is very appealing and completely easier to do. The latter is the responsibility and the one I should do since I know it's also easy but just need to get it done to do well in school.

I'm sure that if I just read a couple of chapters and take down a few notes I'd be able to pass--no, ace--this exam. But I lack the motivation.

I'm going back to bed and dream of sheep.

sky-hype

2008-09-22T03:25:00.000+08:00

My friends have been prodding me before to go online in Skype, and with limitations of YM on a Fedora-based OS (I couldn't use VoIP with other Yahoo users through Pidgin), I had no other option but to download Skype and I am currently trying it out. So for all my friends who are using VoIP, please download Skype so I can talk to you! (Plus I currently am baffled that my i-mic on my Acer Aspire One doesn't work with any other program but Skype. Weird.)

Yani welcomed me to Skype with the message, welcome to the world of mics, cams, and penises.

Hahahahaha. LOL.

I called her so I can try out Skype for a bit, and right after hanging up I've received four calls (left none of them answered) from guys. Talk about connecting quick. Haven't been on Skype for quite a while (less than 15 minutes) and so many are already showing up on my list and calling me or chatting with me.

Anyway, I'm using Skype only for the purpose of VoIP, so it might go permanently invisible. Haha. But for my friends, please add me.

Distance won't keep me away

2008-09-20T10:58:00.001+08:00

I'm falling for him, and I don't know what to do about it.

It would help if I can try to close the distance between us, but it's nearly impossible.

Actually, I'm merely content on just talking to him, knowing how he is, and learning more about him, because it's only what I can do for now.

I'm falling for him, and I'm content with the way things are going. I'm okay with the distance, so long as it's only temporary.

up close and hyperpersonal?

2008-09-18T18:48:00.000+08:00

[Monik, Yani, Jurise, Angel... I borrowed your title.]

I'm currently being bothered by the idea of actually falling for someone more than 5000 miles away from me. It's never really happened to me before, so it's not as if I know what it is and how it feels like.

I feel like the subject of my own research. I asked my friend if this is what they call in computer-mediated communication as hyperpersonal disclosure. Haha. Nosebleed.

No, really. I've been thinking if I actually feel close to this person simply because I disclose so many things about myself that I shouldn't, or wouldn't in an actual person-to-person setting. But I tend to overshare myself anyway, so that's a factor too.

But I feel attracted to this guy. Should I say who he is?

I feel inspired. It's like I've found a kindred spirit, but better, because I find him attractive.

I have to admit, a lot about his looks and personality would have turned me away at first glance. I'm glad I opened to the idea of talking to him and getting to know him better, and letting him get to know me.

I'm currently tired, as the time zone difference creates a problem of us communicating, and I get too caught up in talking I forget the time. I'm getting jetlagged without leaving my own country.

I like talking to him. I love teasing him. This may be the start of something new.

pay it forward

2008-09-15T20:49:00.000+08:00

I remember overhearing one afternoon a friend who asked if they would be willing to donate to UP after graduation. "Aminin nyo, hindi naman talaga kayo magbibigay di ba?" And proceeded to say that after he graduates he won't be giving donations to CMC or UP.

What I find interesting in this statement is that, while many will probably deny it, many also have the same mindset. Not too many, though, as so many alumni have donated to UP long after they have graduated.

It is quite saddening that here in UP we breed future leaders but so many of us fail to give back. Not simply to the university per se, but simply the nation who bore the burden of sending each one of us to school, so that we will be able to be the graduates that this nation needs.

It is my hope that one day I will be able to give back to the people the education that this premier institution gave me. Not in monetary terms, but more so in service, in integrity, in the pride of this country.

I'm five, pighead

2008-09-15T00:37:00.000+08:00

By the way, I am welcoming myself to my 5th year of blogging.

Past years haven't been as prolific as was the others, but 5th year is still 5th.

Congratulations on mediocrity. Being a blogger for 5 years and still not accomplishing anything different.

Welcome to Marielitams Chapter 4

2008-09-15T00:08:00.000+08:00

I confess i haven't been around for so much of the time I wanted to. I wanted to write about so many things, and many of them politics, many of them about the social ills that hopefully I wish to shed light on. But most of the time light has already been shed for them; what bugs is that people don't actually look at that light, or most of the time something else has shone brighter.

This is Mariel Chapter 4. Fourth blog (or fourth that is legitimate; I've erased others).

I can't say that my change will bring about something different to my writing. I'm still the same person, after all. But looking back, I guess I may have matured a bit with my writings. I've been needing an outlet to put in every damn inspiration (and perspiration) that comes over me, and this is still the best place to be.

Blogspot, still. I've been known to stick to what I already know, and since I don't have time to get to know the interface of other journals, I'm putting myself here. Again.

Now that I'm here, what's new?

I've been complaining on and on in previous blogs that I have still so many semesters to accomplish, so many papers more to write. It's nearing the time to graduate. My thesis is still in the works (still in the conceptualization phase, mostly), and I'd rather not divulge details about why I'm separating myself from my current research.

I can't believe I'm already here. I'm nearing IT. I've wanted it for so long that finally, just one more semester to go (which would have not been part of my year if I had not run and became president of CommResSoc), I'd be getting it. I'm nearing graduation, and I fear to fail it.

Not that I fear that I won't graduate. I fear failing myself when I do get to that crossroad. I fear not accomplishing my goals when I finally leave the student life. I fear not getting the most out of what UP has to offer me.

I've been getting job offers as early as now. I can't think yet where I want to go. My dad asked me just this morning, "Are you happy with your life and with what you're doing?" I told him, of course I'm happy. He asked why.

Because now I feel like I'm doing what I should. I enjoy what I do. I enjoy research even if it kills me and will probably kill me more in the future. Because I know that what I do contributes to that body of knowledge where one day I can be proud of myself and say that I've done quite a bit for humanity, even if I was just in college at that time.

I wish to go on, but I can't. I have other things on my mind, other things that I must accomplish. I am, after all, still a student and a slave to academia. I long for the freedom, but after that toga ceremony I will not be breathing liberty--instead I will be breathing more responsibilities, more accountabilities, more expectations.

I am opening chapter four in my cyberlife, chapter 16 in my journal-life. I told my friend Monik that I left blogging because I hate writing about myself. But it's the only subject of which I can be sure of. And now it doesn't have to be just me anymore. I am chapter four, plus other aspects of life that needs to be shed light upon.

Kill me sweetheart while I write the first draft.